ok.. tt me tryin to act cool... wahaha 

Me n my Poly mates in sch compound... 

Travel Agencies not my cup of Tea!

i was reading Jo's blog...
well shit happens.. she got scolded... haiz..
it happens to me too.. i received more scoldings n pissed look from my supervisor n also received alot of sarcastic remarks... haiz..
Wats issit with me??? is it me or somethin else??
i seemed to be the punching bag pple loves to punch.. *beep*

Anyway, im not goin to work in TA... i dun like it...
i wanna do marketing... i really wanna do somethin professionally...
i think i try teaching at NIE or do a sales job...
my sec frens says im very indecisive.. yup they're right!! I really am!
even Amir say so, as much as I love him n wanna be with him... i dunno if i wanna be married to him... haiz.. things r so complicated...

oh, recap... Sat, aft work: rushed down to East Coast to meet my sec sch frens for picnic... did alot of gal-to-gal talks... my married fren havin alot of problems in her marriage.. nw, i dun feel like gettin married... now im afraid of tt... i really sympathize her... dun worry Widya, i love u n u still got me. Men r so problematic n idiotic!! argghh... damn angry at her husband.
I didnt go to Spore River.... i only go on Sunday...

Sunday: early morn went there... i felt weird without Amir ard... he's usually with me everytime there Adventure club thingy... i really hate it when pple came n ask me 'where's amir? u alone ah?' gosh, hate tt!! makes me feel worst... i usually walk away aft tt qn was answered... n its really weird to be ard but hv no specific thing to do... thankfully Kumar[coodinator] made me his assistance!! haha.. i got promoted tt easily!! i was on the so-called car with him most of the time.. running ard checking hw pple r doing... ensuring food n water supply.. its fun!!
After SRRR is over, i dun feel like goin back to SP or Poly Marina... i still wanna hang out at Clarke Quay n be alone....

oh there's this bodybuilding comp there too... i bump into Rosiyana who's doin a cover for SP website n followed her ard doin her interviews n videotaping. Cool...
Den, meet up with Erwan with his kids.. oh so cute... den asked me y i hadnt been working out... haha... Told him i lost my shoes... it was a stupid reason i know... haha
When over to Rockmaster, finally approached Yaz to ask him for the interview. Oklah, wasnt so bad or awkward... well tts tat! went hm... n sleep...

I finally had the courage!

today... i dunno y i feel the need to have that check-up... with a female doc.
i've been in so much stress pondering this issue...
i jus need to know wats happening to my condition cos i've been bleeding for almost 3 mths!!

took off today n got scolded by her...
instead of showing concern, she scolded me... she said i shd hv come to work half-day...
she said i shdnt take the appt as an excuse for not coming to work...
i got very angry... i went into tears.. here i am scared of the check-up n some pple jus took it lightly even though i had even told her the actual medical prob im facing...
i know.. i know... she must hv tot i went partying again... tts all she thinks of me...
now, i think she probable tot i was pregnant... fuck la, let her think all she wants!
All i care now is my diploma.... n if she's gonna ruin it, i'll confront her for being bais!!

anyway, today's consulatation was ok. it was the weirdest consultation.
she was nice n approachable... i was very very nervous.... so nervous i keep stampering. i was so scared of any cancerous infections.
ok... this is my personal blog... i need to record certain things as part of my life..
she inserted some plastic tube n video so check for any defects...
it was really uncomfortable.. really.. but i kept telling myself i have to do it no matter how much it hurts... btw, she ask me alot of personal qns such as 'how sexually active r u?' haha...
she was very much pleased with all the answers she gets from me... im so thankful that i hadnt been stupid to do things tt might endangered my life further.
anti-drugs, anti-tobacco, anti-alcohol n so on...

anyway.... the result was, indeed i did have the piles... an internal growth.. i needed 2 separate surgery n major change in my diet.. now i had to eat more veggie n fruits n lots n lots of water! surgery? i dunno.. i dun hv the money n time.. my supervisor already not happy with my attendance. i really dunno wat to do... might cost more than $250 per visit... n its not jus a one-time thingy... its a follow-up procedure..
she ask if i wanted the pill[tube] to be inserted right in thru my ass... its very costly n i hv to be able to insert it properly... so i decline...

now, i felt relieved but still worried on financial..
n tt drastic change in diet!! how? i dun eat healthy, home cook food...
guys.. plz help me with the food part.. i need assistance!
n for the graduation trip, i can jus forget bout it...

Heartless... Unreasonable...

After talking to YY on Tue, it made me realised im too much!!
i've been unreasonable to Ir...
yup its true... i've been to harsh on him....

i'll try to be more patient to him... be a nicer galfren...
i'll try....
i love him... n i have to treat him good....

i miss him so much... looking forward to CNY. He'll be out by then...

I needed the rest

i didnt go for work today.. was so tired...
my head felt heavy.. i couldnt bring myself to get up..
i only woke up at ard 2pm!!

yest, i started to have cramps... it hurt so much i had to go toilet many times!!
couldnt stand it so i jus left without finishin my work cos its lamost 9pm.
i went to the toilet and instantly cry....
i dunno y i cried.. jus felt like crying... i was crying all the way to marina square cos i was looking for an ATM machine to withdraw money to take a cab home...
i jus needed to go hm fast... jus wanna be home..

btw, my ass still bleeds... doc say that's vital...
it might be cancer or anythin else... watever it is, its BAD..
im so afraid...
i dun dare tell anyone personally...
next appointment next week... dun feel like going... im scared...
if i didnt need the MC today, i wouldnt hv even made my visit today...

To study or not?? TTs the QN!!

i think right now... everyone is pondering of this question:

"should I go to uni?"

of cos, those rich brags dun hv to worry over this, they can easily go overseas uni.
i wanted to study, go get a degree for myself.... I always wanted to be the first to get everything! I wanted to be the first to travel anywhere ard the world, the 1st to curl my hair, the 1st to highlight my hair, the 1st to get the Diploma, the 1st to excel in getting good grades!

Now, I want to be the 1st to enter University!! dun think tt dream will come by. I always dream of studyin overseas... haiz... NOW, i dun even care if i do it on private basis or local or overseas uni.... I jus want tt degree!! i guess i need to work for a few more years first den probably saved enuff to study on full-time/part-time degree! I dun think i do Tourism, I'll do marketing!! or maybe an MBA. I sort of regret not goin to JC cos im qualified n my route to Uni is much faster but then again, I always wanted a Poly life. Poly is so un-stressful.... nvm, NO point looking back!

If i study, I wasted that money tt I saw on my education... i wasted time... den I dun hv savings for my future!! I do want to get married n marriages r NOT cheap! no kidding!! I wanna get a house for myself too... so I need to start working now to hv sufficient money in CPF to buy a flat.
Haiz... future planning is a hideous!! Still got parents to take care of!

Another prob, will i get a job with my degree?? HAiz....

Yesterday....

ended work almost 3pm!! haiz... half the day GONE!!! urgghh...
bought Ir Chocz chocolates for advance 26th mth cos he wont be here on 1 Feb 2005.
great.. eat n eat n eat... hahahhaa..
ate at Sakura, 2 person eat like 5 person... haha!
watched 'Shall we dance' at Cathy... hahaha.... i called him so early in the morn to buy tix at Cathy cos im sick of GV already. Anyway, yest was the first time I watch movie in 2 months!!! Kana-sai... Ish... its really been a long time!! Last night, kinda quarrel again... den we had a long long talk till 1plus am at esplanade. Seriously needed the talk... I was in tears thoughout but felt alot better aft tt long talk...

My uncle had got tix to see Taufik at SP Convention Centre n there's S'pore Tiger Cup celebration at Civic Plaza. Happening... hahaha.... but im more on spending quality time with my Baby... So i didnt really bother whats going on anywhere else!

I bumped into lots of pple yest. oh yah, saw Shima!! oh she's still so cute... i always wanted to pinch her cheeks when I saw her.She's much shorter than I am cos last time we're about same height.

Oh btw, Hari Raya Haji was erm... filling! Yup, I ate super alot. Cant resist those yummy food! N my cousins r all grown up now... all so gorgeous!! Oh well, Im losing my youth already.... getting old... im pretty much settled with Amir.. so tts enough!

Its a Long day...

when to work till 6.15pm den off to Bugis to do my proj with my mates..
We had so much to discuss we didnt realised its almost 12midnight!!
haiz.. been real tired doing proj.. waking up early.. n concentrating on work...
my mind is damn tired... i still hv not updated my log book yet!!

i really hop our presentation on Tues goes well.. cos we r really rushin for time n working hard on it.. lets jus hope things go as planned... cant afford any errors or delays in work...
As much as I wanna spent time with Amir, I have to sacrifice for my proj... Its my last lake of getting tt Diploma.. had to go all the way!!!

Nevertheless, Im still goin to go out on Sat no matter wat!!! I havent seen him the last 2 weeks n i wont be seeing him till the next 2 weeks as well. So nw is de only time! i really hv to go out n spend some time!!

Oh btw, he bought me a New Balance shoe cos mine jus got stole last week!! Its 1 size bigger but its ok.. Felt bad yest cos I was busy doin proj with my frens n didnt entertain him tt much n hasd to go hm straight cos its late. Making it up on Sat!!

I dun deserve this!!!

Just when im about to be ok…. Mum had to make it worst….
She always does it!! N never fails to break my heart n hurt my feelings…

It all happened on Sunday morning… was forced to wake up early while my bro can wake up till 12noon. I was busy using the net doing my stuffs + proj n she got really mad cos she wants me to wash her toilet. I got too engrossed with PC I kinda ignored her. Then, she said it I wanted to watch the match I better do it NOW!! Wah!! Ewah-ewah… im paying the tix myself, I will go no matter wat she says!!
But I still adhere her instructions n switched off tt PC but of cos, it takes time to shut down n exit the prog but her impatience brought so much irritancy tt I shouted out, “ Plug out the cables la if you want me to wash your toilet right away!!” cos she ‘treatherend to plug them out.

Suddenly, she came out of her room n gave me THREE TIGHT SLAPS!!! [1 at 1st]
I was agitated of cos!! So I jus stared at her n she hit n slaps again!! [2nd & 3rd]. Trust me to have that fucking attitude to stare back at her. I could have been hit more if my bro hadn’t came in and interrupt to stop her. Haiz… I really dun deserve this.. really… Is that a major offence??

I somehow felt tt she treated me differently. I know Im not her favourite. She compares me with other pple’s daughter all the time.. n im always on the bad side! Am I tt bad?
She say pple also go to sch n study n hv projs but they still do housework n stuff!! Its not like I dun do any housework at all!! Keep saying im lazy n stupid. Anyway, when she needs something for dinner, who sends her food to her workplace?? Who??? Its ME!!

Anyway, she thinks that Im a bad gal.. really.. She hates me to dance! Everytime I dance at home (cos I trying to do some cheorography) she’ll tell me to stop. But Im good at tt, I really do.. Even my bro n frens says I go the Talent. I know I know… Even when some of my frens r not the goodie type, doesn’t mean Im like them!!! I never ever made any probs for her… really… And, she’s so fierce n not open with anyone of us that I dun share anythin with her. Even if I wanted to tell her things, she wouldn’t be bothered to take note, so might as well forget it!!

I spent quite some time washing the toilet and crying silently… Im not allowed to cry out loud cos she’ll get really really mad, well tts her rule… Its really painful to cry n not to let all out!!

And another thing, she’s quite mad at me when I told her my frens who graduated last yr still hadn’t had a job. Now she blames me for wasting time and money on my polytechnic education. My sis didn’t do her hmwk n I forgot how to teach her (its long time ago), im to blame! Yeah.. Yeah.. Im to blame for EVERYTHING!!! Who took care of my sis?? Regardless of whether its prob or education or anything else like hp bills, banks, purchases, repairs… IM SUPPOSED TO BE RESPONSIBLE!!! Argghhhhh… Im only a gal, yet I shoulder such heavy responsibility. Darnz!!

But its ok., I have a great time in the evening… Read on….

LIONS R THE CHAMPION!!

Oh wow!!! The Lion Roar is back.. n its roaring loud with VICTORY!!
S’pore won the Tiger Cup and crowned the Champion n I was there at Kallang Stadium to share the victory!!! Yeah!!!
S’pore rocks!! Die-hard fans rocks even more!!
Kallang waves were done numerous times and the atmosphere was fantastic!! The whole stadium was filled with sea of red n erm… 5% whites (Indonesia)…

Its madness at the stadium… Pple r jus so loud.. REALLY LOUD… including me!! Haha
Me n my sis make a good screaming combo!! We can really scream so loud!!! Oh wow my area was crazy as well, pple were chanting “Ole.. ole.. ole..” and “we want goal!!” and so on…

The great part was… all the goals scored by both teams r on my side!!! Woohoo… I get to see ALL the goals right infront of me n we were seated at the front!! Cool!!
The bad news is, though we seat infront… I cant really see the players tt well… everybody is like running n running everywhere!! I told my sis, “No need to see who’s the players la, jus see the ball n how they play… hahaha”

Besides, the good part.. there’s always the ugly side of Singaporean!! Buying drinks is a MAJOR issue.. no bottles were allowed so cup drinks is on high demand. So .. well… I get to experience a shock-exchange market situation followed by a tsunami victims desperate for food n drinks! Haiz… I was pushed n had to shover my way thru to get my drinks… Pathetic! Damn… I was sweating like a pig, I had a combination of both my own sweat plus other pple’s sweat. Euuwwww…
Den when it comes to jeering, Singapore is the best!! Now, tts bad!! N we call ourselves a civilized nation??? Loud ‘boos’ was heard when their national anthem started playing and when their national team came out. Only pple like me, would stood up n respect for other pple’s country n others followed after (though some pple r still seated)
But towards the end, S’porean clapped for Indonesian team for their second placing in Tiger cup, except for Myanmar… pple r still “BOO-ING” when the MC announce their 4th placing. Ironic!!

Den on ur way back.. sis n me bought this limited edition red t-shirt!! Love it.. n proud of it.. but their XS is super big… Walking back to MRT was CRAZY too… Fans kept singing n chanting cheers with joys, pple walking on the streets, screaming, n cars n bikes blowing their horns. Wow!!

Even at the food place in Tamp, pple r still cheering though its 12midnight already cos we’re in red limited edition soccer t-shirts!! Wahahhaa… COA!!!

But oh well… It was a great experience!!

im feeling better

hmmm... im feel a lil better now...
Esli told me tt i hv to talk to someone but i really dunno where to start n i dun really know wats tt thing tt makes me feeling this low.
well... i guess i need a break...
my sanity is coming back.... slowly...

last fri, i LOST MY SPORTS SHOE!!!
argghhh!! grrrr.... who's tt stupid idiot who wants to steal my stinking shoe!!! i never washed it since i bought it about 2 yrs ago... i jus use shoe spray only.
BUT im not gonna whine.... i dun wanna be sad, maybe its time to get a new pair!! i really like the old one, so comfy n good for sports.. nvm like jolyn says, "you'll find a better one"
den kanasai!!! we miss the last train hm.. so had to take cab with midnight charge!!

Sat, my sis make my day!! although i was damn tired, i go her out with her. Its been some time we last go out alone. Well, she treated me McD meal. n she owes me an ice cream treat. Hmm... still thinking wat ice-cream i want... hmmmm... must choose expensive one!! hahaha.
oh btw, im so proud of her!!! She volunteered to help out at the Red Cross for Tsunami victims on Friday. She packed the rations n make the tins for donations.

On btw!!!! IM GOING TO KALLANG STADIUM TODAY...
its a match betw S'pore n Indonesia... Lions will rule the game!!
im so excited... gonna wear red today!! semangat sikit!!! n im gonna meet my sec sch frens... miss Sya n Shaz!!! oh its FULL HOUSE cos tix r all sold out on second day of sale!!

i sux again

ok so i sux again...
i cant be punctual again... today kena lecture again..
today my brain not working tt well too...
i was staring at the comp n fell asleep for awhile.... was woken up by shock when my arm tt support my face shake. haiz...

today, in the meeting i jus let it all out...
she was saying tt we hv proj n stuff but other pple also hv work to do
den i protest n say, "but... we still work at hm wat.. we're still doin projs"
come on la... get a life... y marry urself to ur job?? is it worth it??
some pple jus dunno how to live their life!!! ur not gonna live forever...
better start building ur family... arghh!!

den she bloody said tt we all hv to learn to manage our time!! TIME?? how much time we hv?? we work all the way to mon-sat, n there's still projs to do!!!
n of cos, there's also other things in life like family n frens n bf...
den she still had the cheek to direct it to me n say, "weekends better do ur projs la, dun go partying only"
????????? FUCK!!!!! since when did i go partying?? i never been to club before for god's sake!!
i cant be bothered already.... i know she thinks im tt kinda of gal...
den still can say "u all doin religion proj rite? simple wat u can ask Azizan if u doin on Islam... help each other la... although she can be/looks 'westernized' alrdy"
BITCH!!

today, tried my very best to save but... FUCK.. i blew it again!!
spend alot on my way back..
bought lotsa fattening yummy cookies!! i jus feel like eatin somethin fattening. yest ate butterscotch ice cream n 5 chocolate bars!! Today ate another one!!
den today was happy i went hm at tamp n there's still sun!! den bought bubble tea n 2 papparoti!! its somethin like rotiboy. Coffee n soft bread wif butter in the inside. Came back hm n my bro brought lotsa food!! Fried beef rice.. ate again... den again... n again...

Im under so much depression n anger...
keep gettin angry n frustrated at myself... keep blaming myself....
arrgghhh im uselesss....

Baby.. i miss u so much... its been so long we last contact.. take care in tt jungle!! 

im lost.... trapped in darkness.. i cant find myself!! 

hate this gal!! 

my hair is flying away... 

?<>**@!^&()_*^ 

I HATE MYSELF>>>

Help needed...

i need some kind soul to help me in the crazy state tt i am..
i may look ok but think again, most pple who r SICK r always normal looking...
maybe im jus being paranoid....

really, i hate being the state tt im in right now...
always blur n goin in my own world...
i hate comparing myself against others cos im always on the losing end
yet i still compare...

im jus a stupid, short gal who thinks tt everyone r oh-so-perfect n better than me. N to think, everyone thinks im ok with everythin. No one knows i do hv issues... alot of issues!! maybe some issues i myself dun even know i hv them.

im frustrated

arrrgghhh... im frustrated at nyself....

really i hate myself...

keep feeling tired, sleepy n stupid...

dammit im always late for work...

when comes to work, there's plenty of things to do...

no time 4 projs n going out!! even had a hard time watchin TV prog

AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck la.... wat the hell happen to me...

i fucking eat alot each day... like 5 times a day, n bloody alot each time!!! i seem to be enjoying spending money(alot!!) on food....

i get really frustrated n irritated after tat cos i spent too much money n keep putting on weight. Damn!!! Darnz....

hadnt done proj tt supposed to be handed up in 2 weeks...

hadnt done ITP projs.. infact all projs

hadnt been updating my logbook for 6weeks...

i got really frustrated cos i dun get any entertainment.. only radio in the morn b4 goin for work... im vexed.. im jus MAD!!! so freaking MAD at myself....

im in a stupid anger mood now...

im mad i didnt get to talk to Amir.... poor darling had to go for trg everyday n all i do is sleep n eat eat eat.... damn!! tummy getting bigger n bigger... im 5 mths pregnant now...

someone said something, "its gd tt ur bf accepts who u r"

yah tt may jus be a casual remarks but i took it in another way i guess.... my way is always the right way...

n im really slow in my work... eyesight deterioriating as well... Darnz...

i wanna be sick at this point... I wanna have a breakdown so i can rest...

Y cant i be sick now... i really NEEDED to be sick...

damn my body too good, i over-exerted myself with jus 6hrs of sleep everyday n focusing on work for damn 9hrs straight n still not sick yet....

all im feeling now is TIRED.. jus tired... but i still can amazing function like a healthy person... haiz... cant show signs tt im really really really worn out...

Blame it on the food i eat.. Too much energy already... may shd eat lesser... maybe it'll helps...

i need a breakdown.... a bad one... where's my migrane?? when is it coming again??

make tt a mental breakdown.. better still!!

im going old...

haiz... i jus realise its the new year alrdy..

Year 2005... i'll be 21 this yr...

gosh.. omigosh... 21!!!

sadly, this yr my bday falls inthe fasting mth.. but tats ok...
i shd be more religious... im getting older... hehe

i've been in disillusion these days....
so blur... i dunno wats goin on ard me...
there's alot of instances where my frens came up to me when i pass them without at second glance. i freaking dun bother to look ard alrdy, its been many2 times tat frens come n call up on me when they r actually walking right opposite my direction. I too, cant believe i didnt saw them. Ish.... wats happening??

yest, i was showering n i didnt realise i was using shower creme on my hair.. mistook it for conditioner... n only realise tt about 5mins later. Haiz...
wat can i say... IM GETTING OLD!!!

somethings to add on..

oh yah... going back to sch has never been great...
im starting to appreciate lectures n tutorials... now i find them fun!!
in fact, i love them all....
i love UCCD n Biz Planning... i hope i can score cos i really like these modules...

school is the best place now...
less stress... frens.. pple... casual clothes... gossips... lectures.. lecturers... tutorial.. tutors... food, cheap food....snacks... frens... definitely frens!!
i cant believe im ending my sch life soon... very very soon... tts in april 2005...
i cant believe i be 21 by october... gosh, time really flies!!
STOP!! plz... stop the time... make it go slower...

now im a lil concern about my proj...
UCCD needs to be done immediately!! no choice, it needs to be done
ITP... damn it.. i fucking dun hv time for it... no time to update my logbook as well!!
Biz Planning... im trying to keep up with this one... this one is interesting...
But i seriously am out of time to do all these upcoming major proj!!
Pressure.. pressure...

S'pore River Raft happening on 29-31jan...
Poly 50 on 19 jan
Surf n Sweat on 31 jan
Happening... but i no time.. haiz... nvm this mth lookin forward to 21 jan--> hari raya haji.
9-10 feb --> chinese new year
march got gd friday...
april.. end of attachment... im a free bird... n im looking forward to my travel trip with my dear frens...

as for now, i try to stay happy... stay focused in my work n studies... do my part as a team member in proj... try to be punctual... trying to be fit... [my heart is weak]...

TUESDAYS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN GREAT

wahhaa...
today yy,ven, jo n me supposed to meet up at 10am put apparently our body clocking aint working so meet up later.. tat always happens on tuesday!!

today... JOLYN GAVE US A TREAT AT SWENSEN'S!!
wow... wow... wow... i nvr get such treats fm a fren b4!! Boyfren yes but this is 4 pple we talking about n it bloody costs $120.00
i really thank jolyn for a joyous meal... i had crayfish pasta n cookie summit n we all had fries n calamari... n of cos, the rest had their own meal n ice cream. we're so full we keep saying we're bloated n feel like vomiting... i really hope she dun feel offended. Sometimes, when ur close, u can jus be too blunt.

i got my mum her dupe sandals... the blue ones...
den jo got attracted at this orange/black havanas... looks real cool... she bought it... haha im so influential... haha... i got jo to buy one... n azzah got stuck at 3 sandals in tat shop... i really shd get commission for bringing clients...

den amir called... haiz... we fought again... i feel so pressurize by him... he's so insecure n possessive tat i cant stand him sometimes. wats there to worry?? i know how to take care of myself n i dun go flirting ard wat!!! haiz... insecure n sensitive bf....

the prob bout me is tat i can get really nasty when i get mad, my mouth juz blabber words tat r so harsh it will pierce right thru ur heart... n i can be really attitude.... WHEN I GET MAD...
im a happy person.. so plz... keep me happy tat way... its for the other party n my own good...