my heart cries out

ok.... sat was super slack, super lazy, super chatty day!!
chat chat chat
didnt work... no motivation!! no allowance all thanks to my MC. sob!!

aft work.... on my way hm.... jeng jeng jeng..... Im being followed!!
yupz, there's this stupid 40+ yrs old man was following me n asking stupid qns like.....
" whr do u buy ur pants??.... i like it alot.... how much do u buy it for?? where to u buy it for? oh u didnt buy it?? who gave it to u?? do u stay ard here??"
i walked slow, he walks slow. i stop, he stopped. i walk fast, he couldnt catch up. BUT he still followed. tts the main concern!!! cant let him know where i stay!!
tt stupid man irritates me so much cos he keep asking irrelevant qns(though harmless) over n over again despite me giving tt nt-so-nice response.... i was annoyed when i stop, he stopped too. so i raised my voice n ask, "who r u n y r u asking me such qns??" he was ashamed n say, "nothing. ur pants very nice" urrrrggghh! *fuck off u irritating old man*

i crossed the road n found out he dun really hv any directions to go so its kinda obvious tt he was following me. so i stop at the bus stop n use my hp to call Ir. he rudely interrupt n keep asking "miss, do u stay here?"' wahhhhh at tt time, i wanted to kick him alrdy. "NO!!" i replied. coincidently, my mum's fren came to the bus stop n ask bout my mum. i chatted wif her for awhile but she noticed tt the old man was looking, so she ask if i knew tt man. she didnt feel gd bout him so she offered to walk me hm. even when i was walking wif makcik, tt disgusting old man followed. but i keep turning back n gave him stares n fierce glares as i walk.
as we walked away, he was out of sight. phew!!!!
í was pondering shd i report to the police bout him but he didnt so-called use any vulgarities or violence n i cant rem hw he look like cos i was jus too pissed off at him to look at him. urgghh!!

pple staying in tampines, esp gals. plz beware. alot of molestation cases, fights n crimes.....

something real bad happened. cuts me real bad. never did i expect its coming.....
i knew it but i never expect the impromptu approach........ the accusations, the insults, the painful words, the curse.
mum cursed me. yupz she did!!!
will it make her happy to see her own flesh n blood suffer??(or am i not?).....

"ur r so stupid. i told u i never EVER i like _____. i disaggree. i disapprove. if you rebels/defy or dun listen to me, ur life will nt be in peace. i tell u, u'll hv a bad/hard life. "

y?? its my life. its my choice. please hv some respect for my decision n wat i want.
it hurts me so much tt i cried instantenously. its hard holding the tears back, it jus automatically rolls down my cheeks continously n destroyed my make-up. all the way fm the hse to bus-stop to bus to granny's place. even in the cab, i was crying in my heart. its absolutely tormenting. its so so so so painful.

plz.... plz... plz....
give me peace. give me happiness.

ViVo City

tagboard has been removed!! it doesnt hv a purpose anyway...
no one's tagging, so yeah, its gone....

mum keep asking where's my money gone to????? sick of her scolding, i told her of my breakdown of expenses n she shut up. k now, dun need pple's sympathy or pity, i need understanding n stop blaming/assuming things. Understanding is impt.

received my new metro card, valid thru 2008.
speaking of which, hadnt use my 20% bday disc. didnt know wat to buy, insufficient money, time n mood to shop for now.
looking at my bank acc now is depressing. cant wait for PAYDAY!!!

went to ViVo City yest... woo hoo.. love the space, love the interior design n structure!!
absolutely love the rooftop.... its quite a romantic setting!
ViVo opens its door on my bday, 7 october 2006.
i find tt the mall lacks of restaurant/fastfood. such a big mall but the f&b outlets r limited. they focuses more on the international retail stores.

i also catch the Death Note at GV ViVo... cool....
GV ViVo is spacious, interior design is very much like GV Marina, posh!! i love the waiting area.... so nice!!
enjoyed Death Note, though the God of Death who loves to eat apples is so animated and fake. i love the storyline..... the Japs r so high-tech. i like the movie, it kinda gave me the intriging feel jus like the DaVinci Code does!! its a whole diff movie though, u guys shd chk it out.... i reckon there's a part 2.... cant wait, cant wait!!!
oh btw, this is the 1st time i actually brought movie tix for 2nd row seats fm the front!!! Ir was suprise when i said "okay"without second thought, forked out cash and paid at the tix counter.

ok so today's offday n im here at hm."great"
pple had/made plans. everyone left, im alone.
work tmr again, going to uncle's hse aft work. yes, im finally going jln raye.

Selamat HAri Raya

Selamat Hari Raya to all muslims!!!!
kalau ade salah silap, terkasar bahasa ataupun perkara2 yg menyingugungkan jiwa.... Harap dimaafkan ye. Makan minum yg tak sempat terbalas tu pun harap dihalalkan....
Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir dan Batin kepada semua!!!!!!!

Hari Raya ni terkenang pula pat dosa2 yg berlambak nak mampos terhadap siapa2 saje terutama sekal terhadap ibu bapa!! manusia manusia.... mmg la byk dosanya....
Hiaz..... bingit2 aku pat dorg pun, dorg tu parents yg besarkan aku....
Lagi satu, bila la masanya aku nie nak bertaubat, bile lagi nak cari ilmu agama??? ahhhh tu soalan bonus!!!

Haiz penatz la.... due hari sebelum raya... kesukaan nyanyi2 lagu raya sampai tidur kul 3+am. Malam Raya pulak sibuk pat Bazaar Geylang jln2, buat inai, mkn mkn.... Betul punye penatz arh

Bile tiba Hari Raya..... rasanye mcm tak beraya.... haiz...
da la this year tak beli satu benda baru pun, semuanya benda lama... Papa sakit lak tu!! Papa terbalik unconscious on his room lantai, semua org panik seh!! im the calm one.... ape la nak panik2, doesnt help the situation pe.... semua org sibuk trying to wake up up, abistu takde org nak swtich on the lights /window/fan for ventilation.... aku jugak buat. aiyohhhh! si kecik tu pulak bukannye nk tlg, die pegi nangis pat bilik. At one moment teringat pulak pasal wat happen 5 years ago in May 2001, Papa collapsed n go thru heart surgery.... seram nak mampos!!! da la mama tak keje, aku ade N lvl je O lvl tt year lagi, abg baru habis ITE lum masuk NS lagi, adik masih pri sch.... Most importantly, we want Papa to live on!!! operation success rate at 40% only.... Pain, panick, scared, worried sick, fear.....
So we stayed at hm till almost evening where i decided tt it isnt fair nt to visit my grandparents whom i dun normally visit on normal days, so only me n sis go jln raya!! Looking at pple with families jln2 makes the both of us feel sad bt we're ok with our situation. The day gets better upon our visits to the diff houses..... :)

Second day raya... haiz back to work....

sick sick sick sick

haiz im down with the quad-combo!!!fever + headache + flu + sore throat (plus abit of cough)
gosh... for the first time, im looking forward to the time when i can take my medicine!!!!
like the usual "2 every 4/6hrs aft meals"
gosh.. i really really really need the medicine!!i dun normally take medicine, i always go vist the doc for MC, sleep n rest BUT i cant take it, its killing me, im suffering i need the drugs!!!

ok speaking of medicine, at this age, i still cant swallow pills!! crushing pill n dilute them with water n drinking it sucks!! really sucks!!!
despite following instruction n taking the medicine, im still nt well.... nw i regret nt taking 2 days mc... urgghh.... my brains hurts(still, it does!) n i hate the feverish feeling....
i hate my sick looking face!

haiz... im supposed to have a date tmr.... bt i gt to clean the hse....

gosh mum coloured her hair again, this time its better.... suitable for heri realised my mum is much better off than me. hmph! she had branded stuffs, loads of bags n shoes! tailored suits, dress, go to ex saloons n etc...... haiz.... im such a simple, plain girl. i give pple money to spend, i dun hv any for myself.... this is life!!!im tired of working n working n dun hv anythin for myself.... i cant afford a good lifestyle...tired of planning, budgetting, saving, worrying about this n tt, cant do this n tt.... argghh stress!!gimme a break.... im 22 n nothing to my name, i've to survived on my own!! [alrdy thankful i hv a roof to live in]responsibilties... responsibilities... responsibilities..... customs.... bills... there's alot expected of me simply bcos i had the highest education among the 3. is tt valid?? tts unfair....
i've such a restricted life, been trying to please them all the time. im tired haiz.... this is life.... i cant simply run away fm it.... im trying to live with it!!i really hope, with the kind of pressure im in, living with future husband, in-law n a whole new family wldnt b much of a problem!! i hope, i hope, i'll hv a better life.... or at least, my kids n family hv a better life ahead....

i hate the haze! damn... plz... someone do something about it!! its making everyone sick n uncomfortable... no use playing the blame game, we're neighbour anyway!!

Random Random Random

random

woahhhhh.... i finally had time to blog!!!
i jus gt so much to blog, maybe i jus jot down a few....

ok, as ya'all know im 22!!! yeah im older... watever. im still me. still young, sweet n innocent. cheh!!! wahahahaaaaaaa....
entry's pretty random, here goes.......

realised tt my bday, 7oct had the highest PSI reading n there i was with my bf n Kak Reeina & family at the Padang watching X-men!!! omg!!
tt night, my lenses hurts so bad i threw it away[yes throw!] n my dress strap came off!! goodness!! n had a good scolding fm mum[okay this one is pretty normal/usual]
bro was so sweet to pay for my pix and photoshots!! thanks bro.... love u
i gt my guess handbag n my triump swimwear, love it! thanks b!!! tats wat i wanted..... was a great suprise
gt my fav cake... hehe i ask for it actually. haha i know im nt shy....
gt my bodyshop stuffs fm my lovely colleagues... so yum yum yummilicious!! n nt forgetting the yummilicious mango cake[2nd fav cake] fm Royal... it wat i wanted, love it.
haha... marlia bought me a pink tiara n a baby elephant softtoy. "happy birthday to my baby elephant princess". well im a princess n marlia calls me baby elephant cos of the way i walk. i kinda like the pink tiara, so cute n its pink!
im still looking for something tt sis can buy for me as my bday present, the dress i wanted was no longer in stock!! love u too sis....
lots n lots of bday greetings!!!!!!! more than 30.... im overwelmed. im truly blessed. appreciate every single effort......

was jus pondering..... all these times, pple been calling me by different names:
- azizan
- zan
- izan
- ijan
- iza
- zann
- jijan
- az
- an
- ann
- amelia
- amy
- zanny
- zan-zann
- princess
- baby elephant
- oscar
- strawberry shortcake
- greenish pink dinosaur
- ge-go (cik G still calls me this till today! dun mind it nw, im a pretty ge-go, at least)
- pendek
- Azizan S (cos there's 2 azizan in pri sch)
- anak samsuar
- lembek (hate it when my mum calls me tt cos im nt, im strong ok)

n lots more...... hahhaa

if u guys do realise, i seldom blog n hadnt had the time to upload pix also....

im really tired these days..... if only i can slow down the time!!
these few days been seeing less of my parents, i was always working, watching tv n sleep..... gd, im alot calmer!
still worried tt Ir still hadnt got a job yet... hang on there dear.... everyone knows it aint an easy process!!
im nt feeling too well.... wats wrong? is it the weather? im vexed.... lethargic.....
i miss hanging out with Ven, Jolyn, YY, Yana[miss u babe] Ain, San, Joyce, Widya, Fir[my purple dino], Sofiah n lots more.... gosh felt guilty tt the meeting/gathering with Esliza didnt work out. gosh.
where's my time management??? gosh. wats wrong???
im financially instable back again..... didnt keep track of finances lately, where's my finance mmgt??
i gt to do something.... really!!! urgggghhhhhhh
i need to find time

7 October 2006

Happy 22nd Birthday to Azizan!!!!
Happy bday to ME!!!!

thanks everyone for the warm wishes n sweet messegers!!
appreciate all of it..... my hp was busy tt day!!

thanks for the lovely presents!!
love all of it...

so happy... hehee....

at 0000hrs, 7 0ct06:
the 1st thing i do....... cook rice for sahur
the 1st person wishing my bday........ Amir hamzah, ur always the first person for the 4th time now!*winks*
the 1st thing tt get me excited......... my hp kept beeping/ringing
the 1st hug......... Ala! my darling sis
the 1st kiss......... Ala, sis its u again!!
the 1st sastifying thing i do....... changed to my new tweety bird bedsheet

watched Rob-B-Hood..... hehhee so funny, cute n entertaining!!! very very commendable..... go catch it!!
i got my fav cake!!! the super rich choc cake.... Prima Deli's Truffles! yum....
i get to celebrate my bday with pple i love.... my extended family...
i get the food i wanted to eat...
i get to go shopping.....
i get to do wat i love, posing for camera.....
i get to watch X-men2: the last stand at the Padang [nokia starlight cinema]
i get the presents i want....
thanks!!!!

k i feel so old now....

Who's to Blame???

I believe everyone is different and unique, one can/shd never compare one to another…
Parents and children argue over certain issues due to diff views or mentality, tt happens a lot in my family…
Y? cos there’s no communications. No one bothers to take a step back n try to understand the other party. All we want to do is to strongly prove out point(s), pointing out our own views in a way tt we r always right!!! Again, y?? cos stubborn-headedness and egoism runs in the family…… haiz…. *sigh*

I admit, I am the strongest one in the family tt thinks hey-listen-to-me-I-am-always-right!! Hahahhaa….. at least most of the time I am right and they trusted my opinion/views almost all the time cos I always have a strong ‘backing’or reasons behind something I say…. No one in the family can outtalk me when it comes to reasonings. well at least, excpt mum!! I cant go against her.. she’ll always win no matter hw wrong she is, but in the end, she’ll still listen to my reasonings, its jus tt she love to make it seem like ‘she’s won the battle’!!
Everyone knows tt, tts y we always give way…. You can argue all u want BUT there’s no way u can win in any argument with mum. She’s just good, too good. Hahaha… So the best way is, keep quiet, cool down n start with your reasonings. It a definite win if you hv a strong point.

Education. This have always been a big issue in the family. I know I come fm a background with low education level as compared to any other people. Not only tt, I also come fm a family with traditional way of thinking tt doesn’t believe tt education is important[esp for girls], being hardworking is more impt.

Like I said, everyone is different. Bro, sis n me… we’re all different pple!
You cant treat us the same way. Im still referring to education.
Wats similar in our treatment is, we were never pressurized on education. Failing exams or laziness n unwillingness to study was never an issue!! Cos according to them, ‘think for yourself, its your future at stake. U choose, u decide your fate’. So its really up to us to choose our path. Unfortunately, we all took it in the diff way.

Bro is the bo-chap one. Watever comes, he’ll go tt way. I dun think he made any choices in education, he jus go with the flow. Bro is all bout play. Soccer, soccer, soccer! Soccer rule his life. Back in primary sch, he was selected to play for Milo Team[yes tt milo energy drink] but parents were against it, wanting him to focus on studies. Probably cos he’s the first n only son in the family!! Even so, they nvr impose a strong rule tt results r impt. His interest will always evolves ard soccer. In sec sch, instead of working hard for sch, he focus on the sch soccer team n other clubs. He have been on the Under 14, Under 16 and Under 18 of the Tampines Rovers Club, Sembawang Rangers, Woodlands Clubs, Sengkang, ITE Balastier Soccer team, Combined ITE soccer team n etc.
If only, he was given tt choice of going towards his soccer dream, he wld hv become like many of his friend and bestfriend who’s career is being a soccer player n earning big bucks n traveled the world jus by playing soccer, doing something they love!!!

Then when it comes to me, I want to make a difference. I believe tt education is impt, I wana prove their point wrong. At times, I do feel like giving up thinking tt maybe girls really shd work so hard, y bother study hard?? But my stubborn-headedness overrules. Same treatment was given for me, no pressure. I didn’t know wat my talents are, sec sch was my chance to experience things. Unfortunately, I still dunno wats my talent. Anyway, working smart was my strategy. I wasn’t the cleverest[tts y im in normal academic] but I believe I am quite smart. Being fast-learner was an advantage, plus I was[I mentioned ‘was’] hard working. Excelling in studies boosted my ego, I wanted to be the best all the time n I jus continue to work harder n harder. Sec 1, I was 4th in class.. by sec 2 I made to be the 1st n since then, I never wanna let go of my position. Yearly Edusave Scholarship was a good motivation too!! Hey $500 is a lot of money to me, at tt time!!! Of cos, there r setbacks. Parents never supported my education. I’ve always dreamt of going to overseas university, Melbourne, Australia in particular. Right fm the start, I was told tt we cldnt afford it. So I gave up. Gave up on the chance of going to express stream for sec2 n sec3. I chose my yearly $500 n friends, I wldnt get tt money in express cos there’s a lot of clever pple there. I switch to Poly as my target. Spend 5 years in sec sch. Aft N levels, was told to work rightaway, siow! Again aft O lvl, was told to work!! I spend 5 freaking yrs in sch n u want me to work??? Crazy, I still wanna study. It was sad cos they say they cldnt afford Poly for me. My aunt told me of Mendaki scholarship, I applied n tada! 100% subsidized. Thanks to low income n gd grades!! I was strong in something I want. For me, I feel tt no pressure is gd but hated tt they always pulls my hope down n asking me to give up on studies. Im glad Im stubborn enough nt to give up. I gave up aft poly, uni is too ex to afford n no one gave support.

Now, Sis. The rule never change. No pressure in education. Ok, for her, maybe a lil bit of pressure cos of me, plus she’s the last child. Maybe she’s a lil slow in learning but support was nt extended to her. I tried teaching, but I cant… im nt patient enough n im still a student, I gt my sch stuffs also. I tried pushing my parent for tuition for her. Instead, they give her a choice!! Of cos, she said no. Y? She had no interest in studies. Fail-no-worries theory made her less motivated to study. She kept thinking n saying tt she’s nt as smart n gave up. She completely give up. She was told the same thing too, go to work aft sec sch!! Bt she took it differently, she’s really going to work aft sch. Even rite nw, she gave up going to sec 5 for o lvl. I agreed on tt cos, she’ll struggle if she do tt, she’s alrdy struggling for N lvl nw. ITE is nt a bad choice either. The sad thingy was, she gave up completely on scoring for grades cos she tot getting to ITE was easy. Oh gosh, grades wld mean a lot!! It determines you choice of courses later. Again, parents dun bother tt much. Only today, mum seem worried n scolded her for nt being serious. Y? Y now? Its too late, N lvl is NOW. Tt exams will determine wherther u gt to go for sec 5 or ITE or work straightaway…. Haiz. Sis snapped jus now, she was blaming mum for her current state. Blamed her for making her think of work n tt studies aren’t impt, results r nt impt. Yes, she is stubborn…. In a diff way….. Haiz….

So wats the problem here?? Everyone [nt specifically blaming anyone] fails to see tt each of us is different. We all take diff approach. No one believe or bother to ask us wat is it tt we really want. No one realize wats our dreams, support was nt extended. In the end, all of us give up.