i can hardly breathe...

these days... i been such passive smoker tt my health deteroriate...
my heart keep pumping fast n slow... fast n slow.... n each time it "squeeze" its so hard to breathe.... quite painful n kinda irritating too....

i hate it!!!! y must i suffer when its the pple ard me tt smokes??
im gt a lil worried as it nvr happen to me b4... maybe cos my colleagues always smokes ard me during breaks, lunch n hang outs. anyway, my dad has a history of heart problem, higher possibility i might hv one too...

so i stayed at hm on wkends, didnt step out at all. ate my hm-made breakfast, ordered mcd delivery for lunch n dinner n supper bought by my parents. pampered lil brat jus sit at hm, chill n watch tv... i feel oh oh so tired having probs breathing..
btw, last fri i went to NTUC n bought alot of things amounting to almost $50. i actually bought 5 bloody huge boxes of breakfast cereal cos my dear siblings all want different flavours/types. i like 'nyonya' lidat carry so many NTUC plastic bags.

sat met up Ir for awhile... he gave me this nice ring he bought in thailand. was supposed to be for valentine but he decides to give me in advance. its this ring with a nice 'diamond-like' stone, its a gem[white] but not diamond, i forgotten the name of the gem la.... BUT the prob is.... its too loose... hahaha.. i cant wear it... i gt small fingers, it can even fit my thumb!! wahahaha...

i went to AXS machine the other day attempting to bk a BBQ pit but its all taken up all across s'pore babe!!! wahahhaa... so now i need to quickly 'chop' place on friday... if im nt too lazy tt is!! Ir didnt had the time to pass me his tent.... urgghhh....

wohohohoho.... I SPLEPT THE WHOLE DAY!!!
gosh the next thing i know my sis is back fm sch ard 4pm n bugging me to wake up...
haiz tt irritating lil darling... always disturbing me la...
i woke up, eat , watch tV den sleep again!! this time we both sleep!! den i woke up again n watch tv, snack abit n sleep, den woke up eat dinner n watch TV den supper den now, i cant sleep alrdy....
gosh, i didnt do anythin the whole day excpt eat, sleep n watch TV!!

i wonder if this month is cursed??!! everyone ard me seem to hv problems in r/s or anythin pertaining to love.... ish ish ish... tts really bad
im not having any fights/arguement but i hv always felt upset, disappointed n lonely!! having a bf doesnt feel like having any... maybe im jus overreacting...
honestly, when's the last time we meet? last time we really had a good conversation? last time im really happy n not upset?? wat i really hate are empty promises.... i took ur words seriously even wen its jus "i'll call u back later" n there's never a call....
i understand n respect his role/responsibilty to deal with so many things in camp but y cant there be any room for me?? the reason i called is to hear his voice, know wats he's doing n he find it irritating. true it may be irritating but its all my efforts to show concern... y must i hv a reason to call?? having so much time by myself is not good too!! i get paranoid sometimes!! i hate wat im feeling now.. i hate the r/s im in now... he's fully aware of my pain, my loneliness, my insecurities but "sorry nothing i can do now...."
sometime i wish there is someone out there who really care n brings me out of this misery...
gosh i feel so insecure, abundant, lonely... i feel no one care bout me... no one will ever understand how i feel rite now...
eating n indulging food doesnt help to distress anymore.... been indulging alot but i feel always feel the same..
im such a loser... i dun hv parent who bothers bout me, infact they add pressure on me!!
i dun hv tt much friends, maybe cos i dun socialise tt much... even my bestfriend dun bother n slip off my life... now my boyfriend also didnt really care... my heart sunken... im such a loser....

having to act like everythin's okay n crying silently is so tough....
sleeping is my best option... but its so hard to get myself to sleep... i really hope to wake up smiling feeling good for once!!!

every nite i cant sleep.... which will make me so hungry tt i will need my supper!!
haiz.... tts means more money spent n more fats!!
i slept at3++am everyday.... making it so bloody difficult to wake up in the morning.... hate waking up so early feeling so tired n sleepy!! no mood to work... so tiring even though im siting down..
this is so stupid!! sun's my off day, monday work den tuesday off again... aiyoyo...
work's kinda scare me a lil, heard alot bout pple ard... aiyoyo office politics!!

my frienster acc is alive again... suddenly!! wahaha... so stagnant last time!! my frens at work la... all adding up to my acc.. hahahha... oh the happy meal toy is a craze at work betw colleagues... everyone seems to be ordering the happy meal cos of the toy.. the tea dog!!

i rarely use the PC at hm but seems like been using alot these days... wow! tiger air gt new promo!! $9.98 per flights!! wahahha... so tempted to go somewhere....

my body is so tired now but i simply cant sleep... maybe i shd try taking sleeping pills....

gosh Monday again?? tts fast...

i heard tt my superior always observing me... ish ish she told pple i kept looking at mirror!! OMIGOSH... tts the best lie!! i dun even hv a mirror... n i dun even bring compact powder to work... haiz.. some pple r jus so jealous... kekekee....

Me and Ir r like putting our r/s aside, dun wish to argue or make things worse.. hehe. we havent been talking or meeting up. anyway, i been keeping myself so busy lately...
work at sitel.. intertesting! all things happened when i left... haiya... i missed it!! btw tt fri nite, i didnt sleep till 4am, had supper fm simpang bedok den had to get up for work on sat at 9am! alrdy so sleepy i work again till sunday morning!! wahahaha....

reached hm at 8++am n zZZZzzZZzzzZZZ......
by 1pm was woken up as bro treating lunch at seoul garden. thanks bro!! had my fills!! quite impressive, i can eat so much when i alrdy ate alot of supper the nite b4. aiyooo... no guy will want to date me if they find out how much i eat!!! wahahaha...

my gosh tmr's Monday again!! haiz... tts so fast... gotta be working again.. darnz!!

this is crazy!!! i keep calling/sms my bf.. he get so irritated.. wahahhaha cos im so irritating!! sori dear... i miss u so much tts all....

wow, todays weather's great. i love the sun. always love it!! im ok now... the rest is good for me... anyway at work.. so kecoh about the bkk trip.. aiyohh dunno who's going wif who... but all going at diff period of time, diff clans! i end at 9.30pm but i left at almost 10.30pm cos the bkk thingy takes time. kecoh!!

k i've posted the pix on YuYing's 21st bday at New Asia Bar, Swissotel Stamford!!! all pix courtesy of Ven's hp Sony Ericsson W500i and some pix stolen fm Sandra's blog... hahaha...

jus the 3 of us.... my baby on the fone n i can barely hear him with the loud music.... 

Me n cute Jo!!  

me... azizan,,, hyper-up! lol 

u can find me n YY somewhere down there... but then again, its so dark, we cant be seen! Ven gave up n Jo accompany her upstairs... 

the dancefloor.... pix taken by Ven fm our top seat at the VIP area..  

the 4 of us... love ya all.... muackzz! 

the "senget" [slanted] pix... wahahaha no skill 

lovely ven n me! 

wow.. nice view fm the top!! but no good digicam ard, Ven's hp is good enuff la... 

group photo wif yy,jo ven n me! n some of yy's colleagues 

only left a few of us at the end of the day... 

their drinks... not mine... now where's the 'weed' i drank... haha... the wheatgrass ven always love!! 

ok... we all looked so so funny.. well sandra looks good... i jus woke up fm sleep, no mood n so distracted at tt time...  

the test tube babies... looks interesting huh??  

Our dear birthday gal... YuYing!!  

the all looked happy... 

i think im becoming insane

im surrounded by negavitve factors all over!!!
my brain's leading me to the "stress-land", making me think of all things negative..
i broke down n cry n inflict pain to myself emotionally..
im going crazy by each day... trying hard to stay normal when my brain is running wild...
what really is my problem?? really?? i really dunno...
all i know im NOT happy... but wat do i really want??

havent been focusing on work lately... took so many days leave as i need time for myself! in the emd, i got myself into so much trouble with mmgt and making a loss of more than $200, n confirm my probation will be extended! tts for sure.... i be getting so much pay cut, dun think i hv enuff at the end of the day! till today, i still unable to list down all things tt made me unhappy. stress! stress! stress!! gosh i sounded like im going insane...
didnt go to work again, tts sad n happy... happy i hv time, sad i dun get paid. feel like quitting but then again, im not a quitter who quit w/o a valid reason.

Hari raya haji i didnt wear baju kurung. ate alot... talk alot...
i was quite suprised to come to my grandma's place n found tt alot of pple r so nice to keep asking if i wanna/drink. Sis having cramps tt day so her muke cam pantat sikit!!
i spoken to my aunts n request for a picnic/bbq/camp at changi beach... i hope the plan will turn out right! cos im quiet excited bout it....

herman left for NZ alrdy... hope he comes back with great scenic pictures... wow!! cant wait!!
yana called me to act in her production, was working then i recommend my cousin, shikin. she be great on TV!! i was so stressed out yest i broke down mentally, totally lose it!!! i keep walking aimlessly n crying like the rain.... Anyway, thanks to Lina & Jasmine for helping me on the problem tts making me so crazy!~ Work is the best distraction i guess...

my silence is dangerous.... tt means im in deep thoughts, distracted, confused and totally not right
to o many things with too little time to think, all thoughts rush thru my mind at one instance....

Ir been quite cooperative these days, he tries to call me everyday if he can. well ok... but i prefer to see more of him...
collegues always taking bout holiday trips in apr to nov. so exciting....
go JL? BKK? pattaya? cairns? sydney?cebu? ko samui? krabi? KL?
we'll be having chalet soon if Taufiq plans it right in march.
ok im tired n i need to sleep. Bye

YuYing's 21st Birthday!!

8 Jan 2006, sunday... Yuying turns 21!! happy birthday girl!!
we all celebrated her bday at New Asia Bar at Swissotel Stamford..... wow... really nice place.... so cool... the view at 70th level high is spectacular... Singapore is so so so beautiful at nite!! wow... my first time there... so im pretty much amazed.. haha

this is gonna be a pretty long entry.. cos im bored n nothing to do.... n plus! im an amature so im kinda excited....

on sat, was supposed to meet up at ard 7.30pm aft Ven finish fm work. poor gal hv to work on sat... haha... but the waether is so nice for me to sleep in, kinda makes me lazy.... i sleep the whole day.... actually woke up in the afternoon cos im hungry, so i ordered mcd delivery.... den zzzzz i sleep again.. woke n realised im late alrdy. quickly bathe n change. then... Jo msg me n say i hv to be there by 9pm cos there's cover charge... shit! im still at tamp when she msg me n i didnt bring my wallet.. jus my ic n ezlink card! damn... i wanted to go hm at first... but make a u-turn.... Jo was sweet to treat me to my very first club experience... a classy one i shd say!!!

reach city hall n went to equinox entrance.. kinda feel intidimated alrdy! so many security officers alrdy... saw shan lee n howard[fm eye for a guy 2] there. so thankfully jo came down n fetch me cos if not, i be like a 'sotong' not knowing which way to go... hahaha...
took the lift to 70th level... then hv to turn n go up some stairs n so on... came in n was suprised to know tt we hv access to VIP area... wow!!! so exclusive... we get to sit at the 2nd lvl n look at pple downstairs.... so privileged!! the view fm the top is jus so awesome!! we got corner seats so tts really good.... by the time i came... my other frens were alrdy there. very nice to see them there... first qn to me,"zan, wat r u doin now??" hahaha.... ervin was the only guy there.. other guys r having problems getting in as age limit for guys is 23. lucky ervin got passed!

YY was not ard most of the time cos she handling prob with mmgt, so weird not to see the bday gal ard. later, me jo n ven went to toilet n jus laid on the couch n started talking, catching up on each other.... its so hard to talk outside cos the music is so loud. we get so comfy, didnt wanna go back... hahaha.
wahahhaa... Ven was really hyper when we hit the dance floor... she's like sweating when everyone's not. hahaha, me n Jo was jus bored cos the music is rather boring at first. wah... Jo can hold her alcohol man!! i think she drink quite abit but still sober.... me n ven of cos not drinking, we'll stick to non-alcoholic drinks..
The music gets better when its closer to midnite... its was really nice. den the DJ annouced YY's bday n we all countdown... so 'kecoh'.... fun fun fun.... things go well n nothing sleazy happen. The rest of the guys left ard 12++, only left wif me Jo n ven n some of YY's colleague till 3++am. Wow... YY hv alot of nice presents!!

Ven was so shacked she wanted to go hm straight, i accompanied her while the rest of them go eat supper. it rained earlier....the roads r so wet n quiet... scarry... we walked n kinda lost our way.... hahaha.... luckily we walk underground n tt leads us to esplanade.... wah the underground is packed with alot of skaters n some pple sleeping... some guy was shouting, "hey u gals lost??" No.. not really lost, we know our ways.... Ven says she's like walking to a path of memories with Mikel.. so sweet!!hmm those must be the days where she treasured the most... awwww!! once nearing to the bus stop.... the first thing we do is to chk the bus directory for the timings! we're like so happy the night riders r still ard... So fm there on, we hugged n said goodbye. she left first, leaving me alone.... Y must we all stay so far away!!
i kept calling my bro up but he's not answering... damn... i know he's out there somewhere, definitely not hm yet.... haiz.. i wanted so much for him to fetch me up n took cab home but, he's NOT answering my calls.... must be busy partying!! i waited so long for nr7 to come.... hahahaa my first night rider experience! bus was empty n quiet n its raining heavily outside. i wanted to sleep but wasnt sleepy at all, nice to know nr7 cover most places in town! later on, alot more pple filled up the bus. there's this cute guy sat beside me, i didnt even notice/bother at first till he start to ask me "hi.... wats ur name?" fm there, we talked the whole bus trip. hahaha.. he told me things i didnt need to know.. like he was fm hard rock... he's doing NS now... where he stays n so on.. at first, was quite weird but conversation gets better. well, he's nice. then came to the bf part: "ermm... y r u alone?? ur bf dun come along?" "no!" "ooooohh no.... no as in no u dun hv a bf or...." " no no no.. no as in he's in camp" ok... den he starts asking bout my bf... so funny... so many qns fm tt guy man!! "so dun u miss him? feel bored w/o him? didnt call him? did u tell him u went out?? where he stays? does he hv a his own trpt?.. n etc...."
the best qn with a good reaction: ".. so how long hv u been with him?" i smiled n said "3yrs plus" hahaha..
nice, cute, friendly guy la.... nice first night rider bus experience....

i reach hm ard 5am only to realise i didnt bring my keys... called my sis up to open the door... luckily she woke up!! my hair n clothes smelt of cigarrette.. yucks!! n my hair wet cos of the rain... i was so tired i immediately sleep w/o even wasing my make-up off.... haha

Frustrated!!!

confessions!! i broke my glass sliding door.... my sis also almost broke the other door n killed me!! the door fell directly on me luckily i was quick to realised it cos sis was screaming loud. i cld hv the broken pieces of shattered glass piercing all over my body.... thankfully i was saved but wounded with an ugly blue-black on my right arm.. ouch!! still hurts now...

waether is great these few days, so bloody cooling... making me sleep more than i shd....
havent been stepping out of my hm n deliver services such as mcd n kfc are the best!!! so pampering... eat n sleep!!

doing nothin makes me think... ever since i was with my bf.... i hv nvr contacted guys, unless its pertaining to work or sch... other than tt, its a no-no!! my world is just evolving ard him... just him!! NS... national service, is changing our current situation... i see less of him n suddenly he also began to be less strict on me n a lil understanding... so this, open me up to the world i left years ago.... is tt too late?? hmmm i dunno..... having him not ard me is so difficult... but im getting used to it....

pressurized!!! i feel so pressurised by my parents. yes my parents, both of them. typical malay parents making alot of noise bout my relationship!!! arrgggh... i cant take it.... im only 21 for goodness sake n im jus starting to support myself n the family.... this sucks!! really sucks.... home bills r going way high.... my normal contribution r insufficient now.... gotta give more!! FUCK!! now financial probs.... i gt hp bills, hm bills, contributions to parents, food exp, transport exp and my own exp n savings.... urrggghhhh.... so sickening... giving me headache all the time!!!
my sis doing n levels this yr.. gotta help her go thru tt.... n lvl is very easy to me.... but might not be so for her, so i gotta go down to her level. teaching her maths alrdy making me irritated but then again, i got to hv the patience. sec sch was about 5 yrs ago for me.... i've forgotten the subjects alrdy... but im willing to learning all over again... im a fast learner so shdnt be a problem!!

my sis is a growing teen n i think i neglected her abit since i started working... its my job to ensure she gets the attention since both parents dun really bother!! i need to spend time with my darling sis....

peer pressure!! my colleagues,ard my age, at work thinks i shd grow up!! like hello!!! i am thinking alot maturely than u idiots do. wassup with going to club partying n getting urself drunk?? tts mature to u guys?? FUCK OFF!! so wat if i like things tt r cute.... wats really ur problem!! doesnt mean we're all 21 n suddenly i hv to be all grown up n act/dress like minahs?? at least i hv my OWN personality, where's urs??? jus a follower/mimic.... n i do hv alot more responsibility than most pple do...

i feel numbed. frustrated. with/at wat? im dunno myself. my mind not stable. im not the type who likes to talk bout my probs. this is my space/channel to voice out. arrrrggghhhhh... urrrgghhhh... grrrrrrrr.........
21 n having so much problems!! i dun even hv time to enjoy myself....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

HELLO YEAR 2006!!!!!
wow!!! time really flies...

ok, so i spent my new year eve at hm as usual.... wahahaha....
im a simple gal!!
past few days was tough for me.... i be thru alot of emotional breakdowns.... suffered intense pressures and low self-confidence. n oh i had to deal with pimple breakouts as well!!
im so relieved its ok now... im ok now....
i almost broke up with the guy whom i really really really love cos of some reasons, i believe, caused by intense pressure plus the emotional craziness tt blocks my brain fm thinking!! Thankfully i hv sweet darlings ard me to make me realise the situations better, particularly to Venassa, she seems to consider all factors tt i ever told her. Im pretty suprised tt she cld remember my fav flower, how i got myself to Poly, wat i wanna do, when i wanna get married n stuff.... so cool... n im so touched by the fact tt little things i mentioned was noted!! *touched*
"breaking up is not for 2 persons who love each other... the expections/dreams of both person have to be on the same path, compromising plays a part .... no one should make you decide for YOUR future"
i also learnt tt, "avoiding the qn wasnt an act of unwillingness to commitment, but an act of virtue not to keep a promise tt you cant keep as situations are so unstable now...."

oh btw, Ir got back fm Thailand n all of sudden he speaks thai to me.... urrggghhh! kinda irritating!! he bought me 3 slippers n a blue topaz necklace bought at the Gems factory. lovely!! honestly, i didnt really like the design he chose but anytin fm him is jus so beautiful.... its on my neck n i hadnt take in off since the day he put it on for me.

ok... so here goes.... my 'first' list for yr 2006:
- first phonecall: Amir, my darling calling me up exactly at 00:00 to wish me a Happy new year & Happy 38th mth anniversary!!
- first things i put in my mouth: McSpicy burger, fries and ice-lemon tea
- first lie: to my mum, she ask y i didnt answer her calls, i told her tt my hp was outside when its beside me. im jus too lazy to answer.. hahhaa... oopps!
- first scolding: by mum. bcos i allowed my baby sis go out to countdown at Downtown East. [come'on, she's all grown up!.. damn, i got a scolding for tt??]
- first song i heard: alamak!! i dunno the title.... haha
- first person i disturb: my dad. cos he didnt wanna wake up when he promise mum tt he'll fetch her after work n go supper at eastcoast.
ok ok.... the list cld go on forever... hahaha....

my new year resolution for 2006:
***try to be punctual***
***be more active physically[cos im damn lazy]***
***saving up money[hopefully! this is so tough]***
***travel! travel! travel! i wanna complete my travel in asian countries***

well 2005 has been a busy, busy, busy year for me!!! ohh wow... looking back in 2005...
-the gruelling attachment
-the rushing for school projects
-the yr w/o my baby in sch[he graduated alrdy in 2004]
-the tough days when ur bf in NS esp when he travel to brunei, taiwan.
-my graduation for poly, my diploma cert
-the uncertainity of wat to do next
-my 21yr old adult status!!
-Ir's OCS commission parade n ball
-my first full-time job
-my struggle with 2 jobs.. gosh its alrite now
-my first time i dun get anymore 'hongbao' for hari raya
-first time my bro remembered my bday w/o me telling him.. n he bought me an armani perfume
-my first time spending over $400 for someone's bday

ok.. goodbye 2005!! hello 2006!! looking forward to a very good new year!!