Blurrrrrrrrrrr

ok... there!!
tts my chanel pix!! i dun like it though.....
haha i dunno y the cameraman love it. he simply love the ''wind blowing'' effect....
so not my normal pose.... ok, tts for chanel

my other photo session is across the causeway....
shhhesshh.... i'll hv to wait till 26dec06 till my other photoshoots to b ready
ooooo i absolutely love the pix i took!! saw all my 34 frames in thumbnail sizes bt i only get to choose a few!
uuurrrggghhhh.. i want more! i want more.....
love the make-up.... its clean, simple, natural look... so me!!! i love all my pix too....
i couldnt believe tt there were no touch up at all..... they pix were great!! at least, in my opinion la!!
n im proud to say tt most of the poses were my OWN poses, so im very comfortable at the set!!
thanks to the very fun cameraman, gosh didnt catch his name when i work more than 1hr with him
i rem i had alot of fun at the studio..... i simply love every bit of it!!
never had so many diff hair colour sprays at one go!! hahhaa

gosh.... my eyesight is deterioriating!!!
vision hv been blurry.. getting blurrer by the day...
its getting very very irritating.... hmph!!

i so need some tan!! i really do.... hate yellow!
whr's the sun???
weather's seem to be very chilly these days....
office is worse, like coldroom!! goodness... freaking cold..... blurrrrrrrrr!!! so cold
i love my 11-8 shift, no one ard, no one to disturb me, no morning rush....
but it seems like i've been waking up as early as 6am every morning!!

gosh im miss u...
take care wherever u are.....

multi-emotions

hahahahhaa.... let me laugh it out
i cried... yeah i broke down at work.... gosh, suddenly emo
marl was tellin me somethin, then i decided, maybe she shd know...
i cldnt tell pple on my own, i'll breakdown.... plz plz plz find out fm other pple other than myself
they all came ard me n gave me hug, it was touchin but tears keep rollin even more
heee... thanks all.... love everyone....

ok... came to work...
saw my chanel stuff.... there it is.. my super ex chanel blusher... *ouch heart pain!* n my photo tt looked weird....
hehhee... we're all laughing circulating some of the DnD pix... so funny!! "the war of the clevage" "mamasan" hahahahha.... hilarious..... yeah some of the pix we look like hookers... kekekeke! cant wait for all the pix to be uploaded on the intranet.... it can only be done by thursday....

chand bought me fries..... im kidding n he take it for real.... aiyoohhhh....
wahid brought my lucky draw prize today!! yay... my blender!! finally brought my sweet door gift, my small teddy, my prize, my chanel stuffs home today.....
kak reeina send me hm in a cab... yay....

Thank You

i would like to thank good friends who were there for me.....
thank you guys.... yup all of you guys!!
thank u so much for all the love, care and concern.....
i appreciate everythin, all the words of comforts, encouragement, effort...
thank u for all the hugs, thank you for taking time for me
even by taking some time off your busy schedule by listening to my pains n sorrow means alot to me. i really do appreciate everythin.

Special thanks to Iza, Kak Reeina, Venassa, Ain and San. *muacks*

i know life's never perfect.
i know no matter wat pple say/do....... the only one who makes the difference is ME
im sorry if i disappoint some of you, didnt really head the advice....
but at the end of the day, its my life..... *hugs*

thank you for all the love.... keep it coming!! hehhee

Sleepy Day

the whole week was pretty tiring....
i screwed up my plans for last week....
thankfully this week turn out to be okay...

in the last 72hrs, i slept less than 8hrs in total!!! tts like barely 3hrs on daily average....
Freaking tired but body jus dun wanna sleep...'
ish ish... at hm, i cant sleep!!! so irritating
hate the constant mind blogging effect goin on....
so looking forward to another island escapade or any holiday....
urggghhhh, my feet n calves hurts man.... plz recover soon...

couldnt work today.... didnt hv the mood, no motivation, tired, sleepy n lazy!
everyone in my team took mc, haha. naughty2...
i only start work ard 12pm... muahahahhaa.... chat chat n stoned alot.
i actually sleep on my desk, yes sleep!!! gosh....
darnz, monday gt lots of work to do!

im losing my voice again. thanks to yest!! hahaha

im pushing myself everyday....
everyday's a living challenge!!!

im in love with High School Musical.... love it, love it, love it!!!
Such sweet romance..... love the songs too.... ooohhhh so nice!
Troy Bolton is so cute, cool, nice, talented & hot.... hahahhaa.... i know im a lil too old for all tt!!

te amo con todo mi corazón. hopefully un día, usted realiza cuánto significa y se vuelve a mí

Dinner & Dance

Wow…. Its been a long time I last wrote an entry here
So many things had happened….. So much pain n stress I’ve been through!!

I struggled every single day and nite…. no one cared. nvm. dun wanna get too emo.
well, lets focuses on the good things in lfe.
Haiz….. I wont blame myself for whatever happen…. I did try my very best, I put in a lot of effort but all those r jus worthless…. Wasn’t appreciated. i werent appreciated.
If someone alrdy sets their mind n comparing, saying hurtful words, actions tt really hurts/pains the other deeply, den he/she is not worth your love cos he/she dun really love you.

The actual cause of everythin isn’t everythin afterall…..
The more I find out, the painful it is……
Guess there’s no point in hoping/dream of something ‘impossible or will never happen’
Wont mention any names here but whoever tt some one is, she/he must b really happy now…..
i believe wat i believe in. Wat do i believe?? alot. but its all secret between me,myself n i.
“move on”

Went to work super-slack!!! Tired, I hadn’t been sleepin for days, I lack of sleep… seriously!! I really wonder how my brain still can function. Was behind work the past few days!! So rush everythin out….. I end up finishing work before 12am!!! My goodness!! Tts super fast, so efficient!!!! After lunch, I was painting my nails n do nothing else.

Was so happy today, felt so good!!
Today’s D & D also!!!
I didn’t feel like going at first, no mood…..
Helped Marina to get to the function cos she wasn’t listed on the guesslist! Luckily im gd terms with the boss, she wldnt have got the chance to attend it. Was happy to help!!
Went for my make-up by Chanel & hair by REDS!! I bought a Chanel Blusher at $61!!!! OmG super ex, but its jus one ex make-up, nt like I buy all the time.
Call a Cab to Furama Hotel [$18 bucks] so as to speed up process. End up I reach ard 8.45am, still late la…. Its ok la….
Fizah hp batt went flat n unable to ctc me so they left first without me!! The food ‘s jus so-so!!!

I didn’t exactly like my dress cos it makes me fat. Thankfully, a lot pple love it!!!
Haha…. The MC calls says “ahhhhh….. my fav girl”… Yay I won lucky draw, was excited to win somethib. In the end I won!! Yay!! It’s a blender..... Enjoyed myself very much. Participate in some of the games…

There’s this cute guy fm another program came up to me and say,”Can I tell u something?? You r the most beautiful girl here in the entire ballroom” Hahhahaa…… tt kinda felt good. J

Left Furama Hotel n me n kak Reeina were ‘kidnapped’ by the bosses and end up at a pub. Goodness!! Really the bosses, like my boss’s boss n all. They’re pretty weird when they’re tipsy… Kinda nice to be ard the big bosses, jus me n reeina n the rest of them. Our mistake was to pay for the drink, shdnt hv paid, its their treat!!

Joyce, Shaf, Carlo, Nizam, Liz and Fizah aldy at MOS. Someone gave me a ride to MOS. Ok I felt weird with my dinner dress entering MOS for the first time alone… yupz, alone!!
Cant believe the queue is still long at tt time…. I kinda got a lil scared, the place is so huge n crowded with lots of pple…. So crampy!! So weird to have pple looking n smiling when I dunno them. There’s this guy who hold my hand, luckily Joyce was there to pull me away, was alrdy feeling scared. The next thing I know, Shaf was holdin me n Joyce walked behind me. We dance, dance, dance, dance. Fizah… fizah… fizah!!! Goodness she really enjoyed dancing. Kak Liz hyper as always, and Nizam…. Woohooo….. oooohhhhh
My feet hurts so bad, im using like 5inch heels……. Still keep dancing. Destress abit. Hahahaha there’s this angmoh came up to me n expects me to dance with him.”Come on, down down” It was hilarious. didn’t response la, didn’t know how to dance n keep looking at Fizah’s direction. Im so thankful Im with them. No one to take care of me if they weren’t ard.

Shaf send me home. Wahhh feet hurts. OMG.. I am happy.

Here I am blogging to keep myself awake. Work in less than 2 hrs….

Old pix

Stressed Out

Having bad headache again.
ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Shut up… shut up…. Shut up!!!!
Everyone jus shut up…… im having headache n im so sick of everythin

Early morning was reprimanded….. as always
Stop testing my patience….. there’s a limit to everythin
I’ll turn cold when provoke plus im having headaches!!!
One is enough, when the 2 pair up… IM DOOMED!!!!
Y r u doing this to me?? Wat more do u want?? How else can I pleased you??
Y wan me to leave…. Fine…. The day will come….

I hate everything tt had happened to me!!
I may seem ok on the exterior but torn on the inside….
Plz plz stop torturing me…..

Your words n reactions still affects me… a lot…. All 3 of you!

Haiz….

On a lighter note, I totally enjoyed my second half of the day….
Love it, love it…… Thanks to the pple who brightens up my day!! J

Pple hv been pretty busy these days.
Damn. Im nt someone who share my probs. Thank goodness this blog is my avenue where I can at least pour out some of (nt entirely of cos) my sorrows n express my happiness…..
My life’s been depressing…. Getting worser by the day…. I struggled each day, emotional and mentally….. I think I might need counseling, my mind’s bottled up with lot of stuffs…… I think I might land myself in mental hospital soon….

I dun drink, smokes or take drugs……. I dunno how else I can unwind myself….
Painkillers and muscle tension pills works but taking them is so difficult, I cant swallow pills, hate crushing them!!! Argggghhhhhh

Btw, my face n body’s having sunburn!!!!! Sheesshh!!
All thanks to my day spend at the beach aimlessly….. no sunblock lotion on as I didn’t expect myself to be there…. I need some space to calm, cry my heart n eyes out…
Yup, it hurts n peels off… euuuwwwww……
wats physical pain compared to wat I went thru??

my blog's playing "Stick with You"..... tts wat im doin come wat may
alas, we're on diff paths.....

everythin's "Rained on Me"

wat hv i done to deserve all this??

low points

everthin's a mess now....

eyes swollen, heart broken, mind's a swirl

believing in it makes a difference. pple's opinion may change if you put effort in it
bt chose the easy way instead.
its the 'happier & calmer' way.
decision was based on firm, selfish grounds.
pains, sufferring, agony, emotional & mental struggle wasnt spared
with tt, all sacrifices r useless, everythin u ever dream of have come to an end
it jus shows wat value everythin's worth. nt much i guess
its sad to find out tt everythin is degraded....
its your decision, we'll do it your way..... if it makes you happy tt way
now i know where i stand.

its an utter disappointment. :(

my struggles

alot of things had happened... gd or bad i'll hv to live with it
wats done cannot be undone

i find it really funny..... no matter hw hard, unfair, bad she is..... or how she cursed, swears, scream, scold, yell, or picked at me at the slightest thing.......
i can never bring myself to hate her..... cos she's the woman who gave birth to me. i wouldnt be here w/o her carrying me for 9mths....
its easy for me to forgive watever tt had occured but its so hard to forget

i hv to admit tt i go thru alot of emotional pain... been crying every nite n almost every showers... it jus hurts so bad jus thinking n having the words playing on my mind.....
i fear my future now. cos she cursed me alot, alot of bad stuff, including my future kids(if i were to hv them). i fear i will hv a terrible life.

if i were to really follow my wants, i wld hv long scream back at her, run away and never returned. jus like wat she wants me to do. yes, i was chased out of the hse. i was told never to return. i was told tt im dispensable n tt they wld live happily w/o me ard.....
but i never did fight back, nt cos i dun dare to.
i didnt wanna be rude, i didnt wanna react like her[screaming ard], i didnt wanna pack my bag n go n never return cos i believe in karma. i wld never ever wan my kids to do the same.
my siblings n some friends who wld know of my situation wondered how i stayed calm n didnt run off. no, i wasnt calm at all..... my mind is a total chaos. i was under alot of pressure. i had to go thru emotional pains tt keeps reoccuring!!!

i keep asking myself.... "wat did i do to deserve all this?? wat wrong hv i done?? did i commit a major sin/mistake???"
i cant a find an answer to all these qns. but its obvious. i wasnt a favourite, everyone knows tt.

im sick of hearing the same repeated not-so-nice stuffs. i will nt argue or fight them back, its no use, whenever i say something, it will be treated as something bad n will deteriorate the situation. i will endure n go thru these hardships, im willing to do all tt for love. tt will be my way of retaliation....

watever it is, i know i hv to be strong. i didnt say its easy to handle the intensity of reoccurring situations. it aint easy to be normal when you're really not esp with all the hari raya visits n visitors. azizan does nt like it when pple sees her as weak, i hv to be brave n strong the whole time. i know i can go through these difficult phrase of life......

i will not give in. LOVE. it means alot to me. i will nt sacrifice a person who adores, takes care of me n love me sincerely. i wont let him go unless i really hv to.
im playing with fire now. my dad told me to listen to mum as he was afraid tragedy befalls me. i do believe tt parents words can be really powerful n it will come thru. i have close relatives/friends tt proves tt it happened nt once but many times. mum insisted i listen n follow her wants..... but will i be happy with an arranged marriage or somone she likes?? she curses n sacrifices her own daughter's happiness n future jus cos she wants it to be her way.... masyaallah..... apa2 pun jodoh di tangan tuhan..... im nt the one who decides ultimately but i will nt give in n will continue to stay strong this way for as long as i can.....

should i be given a choice, i cant wait to move out.... cant wait to get married n start my own life. the problem is finance. always had been. stressed!!!

my grandpa is hospitalised. i almost cried infront of him the other day. visited him as much as i can. my work shifts limits my visits. im so scared of losing him. he's the only grandpa i had. he is the one who named me "Azizan". i was one of the grandchildren he named, jus me n sis alone. He was the one who takes care of me when i was young. he was also the one who caned me and taught me ngaji.
im very proud of my 86-year-old grandpa.... im amazed at his independence, i envy his strenght. the other day in the hospital, he helped himself up to his bed with minimal help fm me. when the nurse ask for his name n chkd stated in his wrist, he answered her immediately. the nurse didnt seems to believe him, she re-chkd the info.

Grandpa, i love you.

my wish is to see my grandpa attending my wedding.....