my struggles

alot of things had happened... gd or bad i'll hv to live with it
wats done cannot be undone

i find it really funny..... no matter hw hard, unfair, bad she is..... or how she cursed, swears, scream, scold, yell, or picked at me at the slightest thing.......
i can never bring myself to hate her..... cos she's the woman who gave birth to me. i wouldnt be here w/o her carrying me for 9mths....
its easy for me to forgive watever tt had occured but its so hard to forget

i hv to admit tt i go thru alot of emotional pain... been crying every nite n almost every showers... it jus hurts so bad jus thinking n having the words playing on my mind.....
i fear my future now. cos she cursed me alot, alot of bad stuff, including my future kids(if i were to hv them). i fear i will hv a terrible life.

if i were to really follow my wants, i wld hv long scream back at her, run away and never returned. jus like wat she wants me to do. yes, i was chased out of the hse. i was told never to return. i was told tt im dispensable n tt they wld live happily w/o me ard.....
but i never did fight back, nt cos i dun dare to.
i didnt wanna be rude, i didnt wanna react like her[screaming ard], i didnt wanna pack my bag n go n never return cos i believe in karma. i wld never ever wan my kids to do the same.
my siblings n some friends who wld know of my situation wondered how i stayed calm n didnt run off. no, i wasnt calm at all..... my mind is a total chaos. i was under alot of pressure. i had to go thru emotional pains tt keeps reoccuring!!!

i keep asking myself.... "wat did i do to deserve all this?? wat wrong hv i done?? did i commit a major sin/mistake???"
i cant a find an answer to all these qns. but its obvious. i wasnt a favourite, everyone knows tt.

im sick of hearing the same repeated not-so-nice stuffs. i will nt argue or fight them back, its no use, whenever i say something, it will be treated as something bad n will deteriorate the situation. i will endure n go thru these hardships, im willing to do all tt for love. tt will be my way of retaliation....

watever it is, i know i hv to be strong. i didnt say its easy to handle the intensity of reoccurring situations. it aint easy to be normal when you're really not esp with all the hari raya visits n visitors. azizan does nt like it when pple sees her as weak, i hv to be brave n strong the whole time. i know i can go through these difficult phrase of life......

i will not give in. LOVE. it means alot to me. i will nt sacrifice a person who adores, takes care of me n love me sincerely. i wont let him go unless i really hv to.
im playing with fire now. my dad told me to listen to mum as he was afraid tragedy befalls me. i do believe tt parents words can be really powerful n it will come thru. i have close relatives/friends tt proves tt it happened nt once but many times. mum insisted i listen n follow her wants..... but will i be happy with an arranged marriage or somone she likes?? she curses n sacrifices her own daughter's happiness n future jus cos she wants it to be her way.... masyaallah..... apa2 pun jodoh di tangan tuhan..... im nt the one who decides ultimately but i will nt give in n will continue to stay strong this way for as long as i can.....

should i be given a choice, i cant wait to move out.... cant wait to get married n start my own life. the problem is finance. always had been. stressed!!!

my grandpa is hospitalised. i almost cried infront of him the other day. visited him as much as i can. my work shifts limits my visits. im so scared of losing him. he's the only grandpa i had. he is the one who named me "Azizan". i was one of the grandchildren he named, jus me n sis alone. He was the one who takes care of me when i was young. he was also the one who caned me and taught me ngaji.
im very proud of my 86-year-old grandpa.... im amazed at his independence, i envy his strenght. the other day in the hospital, he helped himself up to his bed with minimal help fm me. when the nurse ask for his name n chkd stated in his wrist, he answered her immediately. the nurse didnt seems to believe him, she re-chkd the info.

Grandpa, i love you.

my wish is to see my grandpa attending my wedding.....