in fine now :)

i had time on my own yest....
n im glad i did...
i've thought it through now... i've cried as hard as i can... i've let it all out
i've calm myself down... i think i can manage this...
so im really ok now... i've accepted everythin n move on...
not gonna be sad over things n take watever tt comes my way...
it felt so much better now... i can do this!

~~Love Zann~~

disappointment

aku mencintaimu lebih dari yg apa pun, ku mencintaimu sedalam dalam hatiku
tapi tiada siapapun yg tahu...
aku tak tahu mengapa semua ini harus berlaku
kalau itu yg kami berdua mahukan, ini la jalan nye

im upset tt ur nt able to understand me or care to understand how i feel
im upset n disappointed at the way u reacted to circumstances...
im upset tt u never take the chances to talk things out or find out y
even when i tried explaining, ur nt listening
all u did was blaming me for doing wat i did to you... hurtin u
this is where i realise tt everythin is nt as great as it is...

for now, i've to learn to let it all go....
he's letting it go from the start n i hv to learn tt i accept tt....

~~Love Zann~~

im supposed to be working today...
i felt sick all over... not sure which part of me is sick... maybe my heart n esp my brain!!
whole body aching, eyes swollen real bad.... i cant go to work like this.
trust me, im not feeling good...
my heart is breaking again...

i had a feeling im going thru depression again...
its driving me crazy!! But since i been through it the last time, i shd be able to handle it much better...

i've made a decision, yes its me.
it was never anyone's fault, its mine. i fully take the blame for it.
i have my reasons but apparently its seen as "invalid"
i do not wish to talk about this.
i hadnt really talk to anyone cos i simply refused to.
i know bottling it up will worsen my instable condition but i prefer to keep it within myself.

i do not know y it is so hard for pple to understand tt certain things r beyond one's control n tt person herself didnt wish it happened this way either...
is it hard to understand tt no matter how hard u tried, the past will still haunt u??
is hard to understand tt ur heart is breaking when u know u had someone but tt someone is jus isnt here when u needed him most?
is it hard to understand tt u jus cant allow the other party to suffer n sacrifices so much for you when u feel tt u cant do the same in return??
is it hard to understand tt communication is very vital n important to someone?
is it hard to understand tt as much as u love someone, at one point of time, u felt tt u're never good enough for the other half n it breaks ur heart to know tt u cant make tt person happy as he wld like u to be??
is it hard to understand tt no matter wat u do u'll nvr be on par with the happiness his frens can give to him??
is it hard to understand tt u totally lost confidence in urself to make the relationship work even though u love him so much??
is it hard to understand tt u're feeling so much presssure ard u jus couldnt keep it under control??
is it hard to understand tt u suddenly freaked out n wants out cos u dun think u can fulfill commitment??
is it hard to understand tt u suddenly got all confused n lost???

as silly as this may be, i freaked out.
im not ready to grow up. i dun wish to get married any time soon
i cant be tt person to be there for u when u want me too. it hurt me to see u upset wif me. it hurts me to see tt ur friends can make u happier than i can.
loving u so much scares me.
loving u so much upsets me when i cant be who u wld want me to be.
watever it is, i cant let u share my burden wif me when the problem is jus me.

~~Love Zann~~