im supposed to be working today...
i felt sick all over... not sure which part of me is sick... maybe my heart n esp my brain!!
whole body aching, eyes swollen real bad.... i cant go to work like this.
trust me, im not feeling good...
my heart is breaking again...

i had a feeling im going thru depression again...
its driving me crazy!! But since i been through it the last time, i shd be able to handle it much better...

i've made a decision, yes its me.
it was never anyone's fault, its mine. i fully take the blame for it.
i have my reasons but apparently its seen as "invalid"
i do not wish to talk about this.
i hadnt really talk to anyone cos i simply refused to.
i know bottling it up will worsen my instable condition but i prefer to keep it within myself.

i do not know y it is so hard for pple to understand tt certain things r beyond one's control n tt person herself didnt wish it happened this way either...
is it hard to understand tt no matter how hard u tried, the past will still haunt u??
is hard to understand tt ur heart is breaking when u know u had someone but tt someone is jus isnt here when u needed him most?
is it hard to understand tt u jus cant allow the other party to suffer n sacrifices so much for you when u feel tt u cant do the same in return??
is it hard to understand tt communication is very vital n important to someone?
is it hard to understand tt as much as u love someone, at one point of time, u felt tt u're never good enough for the other half n it breaks ur heart to know tt u cant make tt person happy as he wld like u to be??
is it hard to understand tt no matter wat u do u'll nvr be on par with the happiness his frens can give to him??
is it hard to understand tt u totally lost confidence in urself to make the relationship work even though u love him so much??
is it hard to understand tt u're feeling so much presssure ard u jus couldnt keep it under control??
is it hard to understand tt u suddenly freaked out n wants out cos u dun think u can fulfill commitment??
is it hard to understand tt u suddenly got all confused n lost???

as silly as this may be, i freaked out.
im not ready to grow up. i dun wish to get married any time soon
i cant be tt person to be there for u when u want me too. it hurt me to see u upset wif me. it hurts me to see tt ur friends can make u happier than i can.
loving u so much scares me.
loving u so much upsets me when i cant be who u wld want me to be.
watever it is, i cant let u share my burden wif me when the problem is jus me.

~~Love Zann~~