Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha

its hari raya haji today!!!!
hmmmm..... mum cooked kinda of alot....
i mean, we nvr had tt much food... she hv been spending alot of time in the kitchen!!
gosh i really hope pple turn up and finish all the food

today also marks the 31st day since my grandpa past away
and i miss him

parents have always been **********, as always!
luckily my tolerance level is ok n i still do respect them no matter how ******** they may be!!
if not........

hmmmmm....... days have been happier lately
taking a day at a time..... focusing on the good side of life!
been indulging alot of food.... haha! stop all the chocs n junk food..... gosh!!!
blame it on the festive seasons la!
yupz... gaining weight n going back on track!
my cheeks n tummy getting fleshier.... its obvious!
pimples keep popping up n eye bags getting worse. its freaking ugly!!! luckily there's this thing called, concealer!!
getting lazier these days..... eat, eat n eat, n i immediately sleep!!
n yes!! been sleeping alot also.... i havent been thinking much lately cos most of time sleeping of distracting myself eating n focusing on other good stuff. tts probably y im gaining weight fast.. like so bloody fast!!!!


~~Love Zann~~

Countdown

WOW TIME PASSED BY SO BLOODY FAST!!!!

my biological clock is ticking.... will be 23 come Oct 2007!!
goodness~

anyway... shd focus on the good side of life
2006 is a tough year for me... its really is!! chaotic n unstable....
if i were to list it down, it cld hv gone on forever....

so lets see, its......
2 days to the new year
1 day to hari raya haji
6 days to last day of work
2 days of working days!!! yay

i wldnt be going out for countdown parties though i have alot of options n intentions on where to go.... i jus realised tt eve of new year is Hari Raya Haji!!!! i honestly didnt realised tt till recently
ALL plans have to be cancelled!!!
It jus seem so wrong to party on a religious day....
furthermore, this year, my cousins n relative will be coming over to my places so there's no way i'll be able to leave the house!!

got my pay alrdy! was happy at first but the excitement went down when i realised i've been spending too much.... spend spend spend!!
i figured tt i might nt be able to slurge n spend on stuff or food or entertainment in future... might as well spend as much as i can for now!!! its my hard work pay anyway....

hmmmm.... new year, new life, new resolutions, new job...
everythin new!! and im looking forward!!

i will jot down my resolution soon....
tmr maybe but most probably its gonna be the similar to last years'...
i hope i will carry out my resolutions this time round....


~~Love Zann~~

Pix with Ven & Raf

1. reflection of b & me.. cool!

2. Raf with his works

3. christmas light-up at orchard

4. orchid galore!

5. me n Ven at the seat lounge

6. me n Ven at one of the exhibits

7. Raf at his exhibition booth... see the award! :)

8. beautiful roses

9. collabration of Raf's landscaping artwork

for more pix..... go to Ven's blog.... cant steal the pix cos PC dun support! haiz.... hehe

~~Love Zann~~

quick updates.

meet Ven(i love u babe!) n Raf on Christmas Eve...
We are so proud of him to won the Gold awd n Best of Show awd at the Garden Landscape festival at the Suntec Exhibition. Nice! learn a thing or two bout lanscaping n plants but nt into the details.
It hv been some time i last meet Raf, he was looking rather matured... somehow u can jus see his confidence coming thru, he's still humble though :)
i'll always rem him as the freaky guy who rem all the diff kinds of plant names n stares at the plants.... nt to forget, the very nice architectual drawings we exploit him for our project! haha

yay i gt Christmas present fm Ven, its green!! i like it.

anyway, was walking hm the other day.... saw disturbing notice again!!
As everyone wld hv known, Tampines's the busiest n most crowded town in the east! its also the hometown for the "Mats n Minahs"!! it is also a dangerous place to stay in.....
Crime rates, esp those of molestation/rape/outrage of modesty/thieft/beating, is high n rising!!
i b alone most of the time[n mostly alone aft 11pm].... kinda worries/freak me!!

my shout out to my B!!!! *hugs*
thank u for being there for me..... listening to my ramblings.... :)
had fun though we're really really tired, ok maybe i am tired due to lack of sleep!
u always make me so fat n give nasty remarks... thanks eh!!

was jus thinking if he was thinking of me, if he at least care.... haiz... but i doubt so
i wondered how he's doin now.... i still do care, wanted to call/sms but i cant do tt....
he wants me to move away... leaving him alone....
he's too busy n happy with someone else to even bother bout me
he doesnt care bout my pain or my current state :(

time is really running out for me.....
its ticking faster by the day.....


~~Love Zann~~

FREAK out

Wats happening to me?? Really wat happenned?

I FREAKED OUT TO FIND OUT IM 46KG!!!!!
No, im nt kidding!!!! Tts almost 10kg lost…i cant afford to lose anymore. i NEED to gain back.
Pple wld naturally think its gd…. No, its nt good. So stop the praises..
My aunts are the one who's worried for me, maybe cos they see me growing up n they sort of understand wat im going thru....
i appreciate them speaking up or shielding me. thank u. at least i now know i hv them on my back. they passed sarcastic remarks to mum in hope she realise how bias/unfair she is to me.

I really freaked out. I know im petite but Im NOT small, I dun hv small frames unlike some small girls… like those tiny cute skinny thin small-sized gals. It worries me so much!!

My concerns is, I’ve lost quite a lot but I dun see much of the physical change. Really, its nt much physically. Im still flabby n fleshy… its pretty much the same. I kept wondering where hv the weight gone to. Is it an internal problem? Did I develop any illness im nt aware of? A medical disorder? Wats going on with me?? Am I suffering fm depression?
But I’ve been eating, nt like I dun eat at all!! I even had supper all the time!!
Gosh…..
i jus wondered if anyone cared bout my health n physical being!! dun blame anyone cos it wasnt obvious....

Everything was a big blow, a hard hit. It still is.
Whatever I went through was pure pain, constant struggles that I guess no one will understand or know of, cos its nt reflected on the surface.
i'll still smile with pple ard me, i guess i adapt well to situation.
Immense pressure and hidden sorrows…. I dunno how I can still “hide” my actual self or current state n remain composed in the presence of others.
I’ll drive myself crazy one day. And I am very afraid…..

So i knew i had to do something. n... i did.
In one day, I stuffed myself with fattening foods! I had to force myself to eat, eat, eat. Its nt like I dun eat all these while, I have been! Esp late night suppers!! But y is this all happening? Wats wrong with me?
I had briyani, chicken rice, milo, prata, hotdogs, curry puffs, old chang kee, MCD breakfast at 4am, Breekz Chicken leq with cheesy mushrooms, lots of choc, choc cookies, choc bars, coco crunch, MCD meal, bubble teas, beef burgers n etc…. keep eating n eating… kept it going…..
The food made me tired n sleeping n bloated. Urgh!
Step to the weighing scale….. gained 3kg in 24hrs!! thankfully!!!! its unhealthy but i need to do somethin, i hv to.
im nt kidding, I knew no one will believe me, up to u to believe.

Im still having sleepless nights……
Its so cold n chilly there days…. Keep raining n raining….
The rain n heavy downfall signify my pain n tears….. haiz…. erratic patterns….

Gosh, my full medical screening is jus a few days away…..
x-ray, blood, urine, eye test!!….. haiz…. Why is all this a requirement?
Hope this is the last one, I never wanna go thru this again…. Plz plz….
Will there be anything wrong with me??

~~Love Zann~~

Punked!!!

Ok this evening... i was punked man!! i dunno who heard me though
i was put on speaker... great!! hahaha it was funny
but i guess i knew it....

Man called me pretending to be someone else..... an annoying one! convo goes like this:

Man: Hello.... can i speak to Azizan plz?
Me: Yes speaking, may i know who's on the line?
Man: Im calling fm Sembawang _____ Centre, we recvd your job application
Me: *pause* [since when i apply 4 a job?!] sorry fm where again? I dun think i applied for a job there...
Man: Sembawang Centre, but we rcvd ur email her. Here is states, Azizan Binte Samsuar.... its you rite??
Me: Yup its me but i really dun think i applied. May i ask wat position is it for?
Man: Ermmm.... you applied as a secretary position
Me: *mad at point but still remain composed* [WTF tts a gaveaway info.... who the hell pass my no ard??] No, sorry, no. I believe i never applied for a secretarial job....
Man: But... azizan....
Me: [i interrupt abruptly, wanting to end the call] sorry i think i apply for it and i dun need the job. thank u for your call anyway....
Man: Azizan!!!!!! Oi.... Aku la.....

K everyone started laughing...... great!! there's pple listening to my whole convo!! haha
i knew it fm the start!! its a sat, evening ard 5pm some more, job is at sembawang n a secretarial job??? its all wrong...... its so obvious but i dun wanna be rude la so i carried the convo nicely....

Man call to persuade me to go to xmas celebration....
lazy, sheer laziness... n i gt no mood.... though food seem tempting.... haiz...
he was cursing me all the way... hahaha.... really wanted me to come by!
yeah im such a disappointment, i know....
no mood la.... its nt somethin i can easily control....

im nt going to malacca trip on 14jan07 as well!! sorry....
hope they all will enjoy the trip!! must be fun to be on tt trip but no, its nt for me la.... dun wanna spoil the fun....
i miss bestie..... ctc me plz..... hope u go top-up ur card soon....
i miss watchin movies.... i cant recall the last time i watch movies!
i miss alot alot of things/pple....
haiz..... hope tmr will be a better day.....

~~Love Zann~~

Xmas mood....

my name was highlighted in yest email on productivity.. hehe
dun really bother me tt much la....
no mood to work alrdy.... im on ORD mode!!

yest was some sort of mini Christmas party....
gt alot of goodies n candies n chocs.... im on sugar rush!! too much... to a point whereby i wanted to puke!
rcvd so many goodies.... love the mini cupcakes n fm coffee bean... ohh so cute! i dun hv the hearts to even eat it...
gt Organic Chocolate pear & ginger cookies fm Marks&Spencer for Christmas Xchange gift... hmmm oklah, didnt like the taste though.... I so want somethin fm Body Shop!! i've always love Body Shop!!! yummy yummy pdts.... will get some stuff for me fm there soon...

Nt celebrating Xmas this year, i guess....
im skipping the xmas turkey, smoke beef, pasta n all.... due to laziness n lack of festive mood
not going for Illyas gig also....
i wanna go to granduncle plc but dad says no.... haiz... the last time i rem was years ago when i was still a kid....
i wanna go Xmas shopping instead.... i need retail therapy...
oh!! speaking of which, im so excited cos i jus gt my new hp, k810i!!!!! after much anticipation, my hp finally arrive... yay!!walkman hp is jus so cool. though its an old model, i jus love it so much!!
love it, love it, love it.... black beauty.... chic!!! :)
i lost alot of my ctc details though....

~~Love Zann~~

ugly arms... ugly tummy.... ugly me...

My arm is disfigured!! i have blue-black marks!!!
arrggghhhh its u-g-l-y... it doesnt hurt though!!

its all thanks to Amir. yup he was punching me like non-stop on his bday.... i let him punch la cos its his bday n he jus gt a call fm someone to arrange a job interview....

my lifestyle n eating patterns r not healthy.....
i've been gorging myself with snacks/unhealthy/fatty foods!! i dunno y feel good eating them!
i've been having late nite supper these days....
headaches getting better cos i've been sleeping more these few days.... :)

hate my bulging tummy!!! arrgghhh
im jus too lazy to work out.... i know i'll hv to one day.... i need to be fit enough to pass IPPT.
urgghhh..... arrrggghhhh......

i think im losing my self confidence by the day..... i need it back

~~Love Zann~~

Happy Birthday to Ir

Happy 22nd Birthday to Amir!!!!

wow.... time passes by so fast... this is the 5th time we passed 18 Dec!!!
Wish u all the best..... May all ur wishes comes true....

baked cookies for him..... hahaha.... it didnt turn out tt nice....
looks like pancakes.... hehhee.... lol

memories of the once happy me......
my first cake i ever bake.... its esp for our 4th yr anniversary.....
i cant explain certain things to u..... i cant be jus a friend to you..... ur more than jus tt... n u know tt....
wat u showed me is wat ur heart is telling/showing..... ur brain jus refused to believe wat ur heart is telling you.....
its ur decision darling...... it really is.....

Your words r playing on my mind like a tape recorder

i woke up this morning crying..... was it a bad dream?? i dun rem dreaming.....
i've tot of things over n over n over again
i've made a decision....

soon.... everythin will fall into place n u'll soon understand n find out everythin
now not, not so soon, cos the coast is not clear....
watever happened hurts so much.... i cant bear the pain, the insults, the torture
do u really care? u're selfish..... all u care is yourself
"s-o-r-r-y" is jus a 6-letter word.... its jus a word!!!!!

my physical n mental pain is somethin i can endure..... no matter how bad it is
emotional pains are my weakness....

its so easy for you to leave me like this
hurting me..... u know u still do love me.... u know its your true love.
u even admitted it. everythin showed u tt u can control ur mind, not ur heart
u cant even control your natural reactions towards me when u see me....
u know everythin, yet, u still wanna "try"' to love someone else
u jus dun wanna listen to your heart, ur brain is overpowering everythin.... u dun wanna listen to anyone excpt ur selfish, stubborn self n your bitchy girlfriend, Liyana Rashimi, who's nt even in my league!!!!
ur words are poison.... ur killing me every single day....

its so easy for u to say, "u'll survive this..... ur strong enough to go thru this"'
thank u for believin n knowing me well.....
but the struggles are undescrible.... unexplainable....
only God knows of my pain, struggles n sufferrings....

time is running out for me....
treasure the moments while u still can darling....
pray for me tt i be ok.....

heartbroken,
Azizan

P/S: Darling sis.... whr hv u been?? i miss u so much.....

been listening to so many songs lately.....
songs tt hv so much relations....
i rem u sang, "baby girl" to me....

bestie dedicate the song "Fix u"' to me .... kinda sad song....
im touched.... thank u for being there for me...
"every song seems related to u at times like this"

my health is deteriorating.....
my happiness is fading.....
my life is in a mess......
my love is still there, yours too.... u n i both know it....

will there be one sweet day?

the pains in my heart is still remains...
my brains too. headache plz go away.

I wan a new hp!!!!

I so want the Sony Ericsson K800i!!!!!!
3.2megapixel cybershot hp.... ooohhh cool......
but i also want a walkman hp.... so k800i nt really suitable....
shd i settle for w810i instead??
aiyahhh i dunno la..... now, they hv this funky, hot pink clamshell sony ericsson hp z610i!! i love it so much too.....

ok now im so confused!!
wat shd i get?? price wld be an issue also....
its like $798 w/o contract!!!! urgggghhhhh dammit i still hv over a year more to go....

Lost Soul

its an every year kinda thing tt i always do during the festive seasons....
every year, i'll walked down to orchard road to see the light up, decor, christmas trees everywhere, pple ard, music playing here n here....
its jus gonna be different this year....

i went to orchard yest..... alone...
walking aimlessly.... like a lost soul....
i didnt even cover half of orchard road, i jus wanna leave the place
its painful.... im tired... really tired of flashbacks....

you're flying so high while im falling.... falling deeper n deeper
...... rotting inside.....
im trying hard to live....
trying hard to make myself be ok....
happy moments doesnt last long.... the sufferings are never ending....

gt my photos today... yucks! i look so fat n ugly... hated it!

i knock off w/o even removing my make-up, lens or change my clothes.....
my brain n heart couldnt bear with the pain, its torturing.... exhausting me alot
i woke up at 4am, blinded by my lens.... eyes hurts so bad, its blinding me
panicked-stricken, i tot i wld be blind... vision is blurrer by the day....

more pix at the wedding

had fun with cousins fm 9-10dec06

we work together, play together.... haha

we push alwiyah ard

we go out to buy yana a pair of sandal

we had bubble teas

we took alot of pix

we played "laughing gas"

we ate alot!!

lol

love ya all....

Siti Nurafizah & Mohamad Ali.... 10 Dec 2006

the Kendaratz.....
theme: Black & Whites

gosh my lovely cousins r all grown up n god! they're all oh-so-beautiful....
hmmm.... i cant seem to be growing.....
pple still mistakes my sis being the older sis.... *winks*

Love is complicated

Today's Kak Fizah's wedding day....
cant believe she's getting married... it happened too fast....
actually, we, cousins dun agree on her decision of marrying the married guy, but we're gt to respect her decision.... Love really is complicated!!

Congrats to my dear cousin!!! n its was in collabration with her 24th bday!! Happy 24th birthday Kak Fizah....
its so cute when her students came!!

Took alot of pix.....
all i do is... eat, chill, relax, eat, eat, chill, eat, chill..... lol
i helped out abit only
putting on weight again :(

Stepping on with life.....

im immensely pressurised by alot of things....
i appreciate pple's concern but i really hate it when pple came up and say "r u ok?''
cos i will show weakness...
im nt the type who shares my probs cos i hate troubling others, i dun like pple knowing of my problematic life.... i mean the whole non-edited, uncut version of my personal life!
so the pple i shared with shd be really honored cos im very comfortable talking to them! :)

it comes to a point where i feel like, "hey, im a great person.... in fact im a very nice, warm person to be with....." n yes! i am beautiful too
so i cant be looking so ugly and haggard!! its so not me!
i had a hard time.... really gone thru tough times to get by....
i lost myself along the way too..... i may be acting/reacting a lil weird this few days but i really am fighting hard to be normal! situations jus made me this way....

i've never lost weight when im sick or stressed!!! i did this time round.... its the first one ever!!
my body clock goes haywire, my mind cant stop thinking..... making me insane anytime soon.... i really dun wanna go crazy.... its almost getting out of control... im really scared!
i used to be 54kg, the last time i chkd im ard 48.8kg.... imagine tt!!!! its nt like i dun eat, i do! but recently, i've been snacking.... late night suppers n eating n eating n eating or should i say gorging!!!! OMG.... i dun dare to go on tt weighing scale now!!! i can feel tt im putting on weight super-fast...... im pushing myself to be who i used to be....

i guess its his lost tt he dunno how to value or appreciates me....
its his lost to let everythin go....
everyone always had this perception tt he's deeply in love with me....
everyone underestimates my love for him.... no one knew i love him more... no one know the sacrifices i've made all these years.....
even rite now, after all the pain n sufferings he made me go thru.... i wld still want to have a friendship with him. 4yrs of my life knowing n going thru so much together, i cant just be strangers!!! he was my beloved boyfriend, my bestfriend, my most trusted goodfriend, my lifeline.... den BOOM!! he's gone jus like tt?? i cant treat him as an enemy or stranger, im simply cant!!!
so i've decided, im gonna work on my friendship.... if all is lost, at least, i'll keep the friendship!
there's alot of evil things or ways im capable of doing but i jus cant lose my goodfriend who knows me so much, maybe know me too well!!
its not worth it to put my friendship on the line.....

maybe..... things happen for a reason.....
maybe.... there something out there for me.... not necessarily someone..... could me an opportunity, a hidden talent... could be anything!!
i'll see how life goes for me.....

im sick of guys wanting to know me bcos of my looks....
for now, im only interested in friendship.... no more than tt....
i cant move on tt fast.... im nt the kind who will...
im still mending my heart.....

Horribly Ugly

i cant rem the last time i used make-up, ok lets not count my DnD la...
i cant rem when i really really smile with glow.... i lost my glow
i cant rem the last time i sleep peacefully
i cant rem the last time i had a peace of my mind

i look horrible.....
i look freaking tired (i am very tired, exhausted)
i look haggard
i hate zits.... i hate my dark eye rings....
goodness..... im freaking ugly....

DnD pix.... DeepaRaya pix.... Random Pix