i cant believe pple r stil talking behind my back.
haiz... i thought i cld live in peace after being transfered to a low-profile team, well, apparently not! a goodfren told me to try to let it affects me, its jus gals nature to bitch/gossip. hmmm... ok.
actually, wat puzzles me is tt u can simply smile n take my hand(salam) or even befriend me but say all the nasty things behind me. ish!
gals hv jealousy problems, guys hv ego n "mentel" or flirtatous issues.
not doing anythin, infact, i've been really quiet recently, can be a topic to talk abt huh. *puzzles*
ok... i cld safely say im kinda "used to" or immune to all the gossips abt me but i guess i still feel the pinch. im trying nt to let it get to me, im nt gonna.
i appreciate pple being concern n telling me wat pple hv been saying behind my back but sometimes, ignorace is bliss.... i wld rather nt know. it hurts. i mean i wld like to know wats going on n tts it. do not wanna know the details. its like overloading, stop it alrdy.
good thing tt alot of new female staff coming in, so pple hv something else to talk abt.

im still in my instable state n i guess its startin to show a lil bit.
im starting to appear distracted though i try hard nt to make it obvious.
kinda hard when ur trying to fight yourself for happiness sake.

sometimes, i felt like im going down to self-destruction mode.
im nt doing anythin contructive. im always hiding at hm, dun wish to connect to the world outside. i feel like talking but i dunno wat/where to start or who to talk to abt me, i dun hv a prob listening to pple's prob or eben adv pple or jus talking abt anythin else.
im getting frustrated at myself. i cant seem to hv self-control. i cldnt control my finances(its getting real bad), my indulgences, my fitness n myself in general.
i cant seem to get things done as planned. frustrating.
i cant find time. urgh!! life's boring n routinal.

im getting really irritated by annoymous pple who msg me everywhere.... emails, friendster, sms, msn n etc.
i simply cant be bother la. yeah im a boring person, i dun entertain such forms of "guessing game"entertainment.

i jus feel like being alone. i wanna be alone.
ok i need to find the positive side of me...
need to get down n do up my schedules n plannings...
Plus, holiday will need to wait till January nxt year...


~~Love Zann~~

chill 'ol me

gosh!! im addicted!!! hook on youtube!!
sis, u influenced me too much. watch House of the Carters n i love it.
saw alot of music clips too....
n ohhhh! i love daughtry!! love it love it

i catch the new movie, The Seeker: The dark is Rising. i like it.
nice! ".. the 7th son of the 7th son" heh.
saw alot alot alot of nice trailers too. im so looking forward to upcoming movies now.
yesh!! wat can i say, im a moviego-er!! DVD/VCD sucks man... go catch it at movies!!

ohhh im proud of myself these days... im always coming to work much earlier than my usual self. tts a good improvement. :)

i kinda take care of myself these days... :)
i kinda get a my hair trimmed. jus a lil bit n a bit of tidying up with the layers n a bit on the fringe. nice, but kinda look like the same. i like it though n tts impt to me. cost me $48 at Hair Profile. love how they pay so much attention to every the detail n tips n advices.
hmmmmm.... was thinking of cutting it a lil shorter by the end of the year n have it curled. still considering it. hmmmmm... should i?
my facial spa is so pampering n love it so much. skin condition is much better. the acne problem seem to be undercontrol alrdy. skin is impt, really. i may be fat but i still wanna look pretty. hehe.
ohh weight problem is such an irritant. kinda cant be bothered to care so much, i'll jus deal with it.. jus now, my supervisor came up to me n grab my arm!! "azizan, where's all ur arm muscles go? its all meat now.... ur not fit alrdy. go tone up la!!!" den he start to twist my arm while im trying hard to retreat. woahhhh it kinda hurt but thankfully i gt to struggle thru. "tts not fair, i havent even gone for control & retraint training n you're using it against me!!! lucky i know abit of self-protection..." wahahahhaa.... he insist tt im giving him excuses n, as usual, keep pestering me to take up thai boxing n continue to irritate me about my unfit condition.
so i jus burst out n say, "alright mr tan, gimme 2 mths ok..." haha im kidding, nt sure if he takes me for real...

i have to constantly remind myself or telling others, rather, tt im alrdy 23. goodness! why do people at work keep thinking tt im so young??... im not. can me good also la...

i've been chatty these days. can hog on the phone for hours n hours with different people. and i love it. havent been contacting people i miss so much, so im really happy.
i cant believe im trying so hard to help pple ard me with their problems when im having problem on my own. i guess mine's still under control, i still do get affected but i aint crying at nights. im jus leaving things the way they are for now... like dragging it n putting it aside n focus on other aspects of life. i still dunno wat to do, im still scared to take tt step, maybe i shd jus take the risk n give myself a chance for something new. hmmmmm.....
i find myself kinda homey lately cos im almost nvr home... i crave for home food, i wanna be home n nowhere else. simply do nothing but laze ard. and so i did!!

ok i need pedicure. i want red toe nails. again. hehe.
need to find time. urgh! tts so hard to find.

~~Love Zann~~

im getting really lethargic these days...
but im nt complaining abt work deployment. *wink wink*

yest went raya with my team mates... fun!! hehee
drive ard.... Aizat pick us up n send us hm one by one! cool
yeah we rented the MPV.
we ate alot. alot alot. eat at every hm. ate stuffs tt i never ate before. cool.
i cant breathe yest.
n we all havent slp since our 2nd nite, straightaway go hm change, n get ready to jln raya. we all survived the whole day w/o sleep the day before. cool huh?

oh yah!! i was having cramps tt other day n sis hv to talk me n force me to take tt pill which i strongly refused. in the end, i did pop up tt pill. thx sis! im proud of myself. haha


~~Love Zann~~

changes

im so t-i-r-e-d.
yes tired, very very tired.
emotionally, physically, mentally.
wish i cld jus run away... escape fm all the problems i hv
even for a short while, it will be well worth it.
n yes, some pple say, "the biggest problem is YOU, zann"

i've changed abit. quieter now. but i smile alot.
wats on the exterior may not potray my true self.
i dun really like the idea of socialising. im finding space for myself.
im tired of defending myself. i jus let others say wat the want.
im in my own world. adrift.
i like working cos it distracts me.
i hate working cos its meaningless, monotonous, mundane.
hate it when i hv to try so hard to remain focused.
im taking as much annual leave as i can.
i deserve a break. i deserve a holiday.

i want my energy back. i want my glow.
i want my good nite sleep.
i want to be pampared.
i want this mental n emotional distress to stop.

to those who keeps nagging n keep finding fault with me, stop it plz.
i may not react, it does mean acceptance. im jus tired of everythin.
calling me bimbo wont hurt me. i can be one at times. its nt even a prob.
i cant even be bothered to be bitchy nowadays, stop 'asking' me to be one cos i simply wont.

life with no direction n plans is so weird.
feel like resigning, for no reason.
i want MY time on my own.

dun feel like doing anythin except for sitting/lying down n staring into space with slow, good music plugged into my ears!!

im fine n will be fine. im jus an ordinary human with problems.
i need "Azizan's personal time alone"
say NO to overtime.

~~Love Zann~~

direction-less

time pass so quickly.. its hari raya alrdy!!
Slamat Hari Raya!!!

this year raya was kinda different. im worked nite shift on tt very day so i had to rush to work, took cab ok!!
its sad cos i go to my granny's plc alone n when im there, my family's gone to the other granny's plc n i go there alone again. felt like an orphanage... hehhe... no wonder pple give me the glares at the bus stop n in the bus cos i was all alone by myself...

life's so complicated. i still dunno wat to do. well.... jus go with the flow.
my decisions may not the best one but we'll see how it leads too.
wats life if its not filled with hurdles n challenges here n there?? nothings' permanent n smooth sailing...

been through alot of mixed emotions in a short period of time.
i'll go crazy if i dun keep it under control.
breathe.
im kinda happy tt people who mattered to me understands the situation im in. greatly appreciated it. :)

got my hp bills n was so suprised to see the amt. goodness. need to cut down on usage!
got my lots of statements today, wow, need to stop spending alrdy.
urgghhhhh!! headache headache!!!
i need to think of future too.. shd i go get a degree?? shd i go for get a license? shd i go for tt course? shd i start dancing?
hmmmmmm..... decisions decisions decisions!! never ending!!

im easily tired these days.. all i wanted to do is eat n sleep immediately...
been cancelling initial plans n delaying errands.... gosh!!

~~Love Zann~~

One Last - Taufik Batisah

I never could imagine, life without you
From the moment you walked into my world
Never knew how long a loving flame could burn
But losing you has forced me to learn
That we can't change the way we feel inside
And every try at love never turns out right
We both know it's better if we just let it go
So let's have

Chorus:

One last kiss
One last touch
One last tender moment between us
One last dance
To our first song
While pretending there's nothing wrong
Let's stay here for awhile and
Cherish every moment we're in denial
We both knowIts better if we just let it go

Everytime I try to take a stand at all
I see your face again and I fall
In the middle of the night there's the scent of a rose
The smell of your perfume I suppose
But we can't change the way we feel inside
And every try at love never turns out right
We both know it's better if we just let it go
So let's have

Chorus

Baby if we met each other under a different sky
Maybe then things would be much better between you and I
We could always hold on to this one special thing we share
But it would be too much for us to bear
So let's have

Chorus

We both know
It's better if we just let it go


Taufik Batisah hv always been one of my fav singers ard... my favourite local idol...
love his songs n voice n performances...
Yeah maybe, its better to jus let it go....
i wanna learn to try to love again.. (someone new)
lets see if tts possible.... u'll nvr know if u nvr try

~~Love Zann~~

im getting more n more confused now..
i seriously dunno wat to do... so im doing anythin...
my non actions are hurting other parties n myself... mostly, myself cos i dun wanna hurt anyone n in the end face the blow...

i really want peace right now... total peace
i dun wana worry about things. getting stressed n upset over issues... contemplating about the future n reminicing the past
i need a way to distract myself

i think im liking someone but i kinda hurt him so much cos im so oblivious over the whole thing... i dunno... maybe its better to hurt now than later...
im having problems myself.... i need to figure myself first... still need time to explore...
besides, my inferiority is killing me.... the thought tt im nt gd enough for someone... so i rather stay out.... im weird lately... i dunno wat im doing either... jus lost... n very confused...
im happy but when the time is over n when other stuff rushes through my mind again, i broke down.... hate the instability im experiencing now.... haiz...
im having break outz these days, havent been taking care of myself... i simply hv this "heck-care" attitude n tired all the time... so restless...
haiz... i so need a holiday!!

hari raya is coming!! i wont be really celebrating it anyway.... my leave wasnt approved! urgh!
i didnt bake anythin this year.... the mood isnt as great as before... nevertheless, im anxiously anticipating for the day to come....
im thinking of all the yummy food.... yum yum yum!!
i've gt my baju kurung n its red... lets see who's wearing red...

~~Love Zann~~

Happy 23 bday to me!!

come midnight, october 7, 0000hrs onwards... been getting alot of sms for bday wishes!!
yay!! its my bday!!!

hmmm.. i hv to admit tt i wasnt as excited as i was before about birthday...
i guess it dies down with age... n the fact tt im a year older now jus sucks!!

it was a suprise to me.... a warm suprise cos i didnt hv any expectation at all...
i never expect anyone to remember it, but they did... so it was nice!

so.. dinner with Ven yest was fabulous.... we ate at Breekz!
it was nice n very filling... waiter's nice! gotta thank her for the treat... :)
we catch up on one another till almost 10pm den suddenly decide on movies!! (Ven's great idea)
so... we went to look for sweater n gt pricey bt nice ones at Fox.. ohh i love Fox btw!
its kinda late n its sat nite, so movies were pretty sold out! wat were we thinking!!
we insist on movie so decide to try our luck at Cathy Cineplex... took cab there due to ven's heels! so we decide on Balls of Fury n its hilarious.... hahahahahhaha had a good laugh!!
had a lil chat aft movies n Ven left when Ir came...
he's jus sweet!! love him... still do... but things betw us jus wont happen now... if it (really) does, den it'll be sometime later maybe... we wont know for sure wat future lies for us...
had some nice talks den scoot down to Simpang Bedok for food for sahur...
kinda met some pple i know there!

had sahur at 4am n was whole family wished me! :)
started my day lazy.... jus laze ard at hm n watch tv all day
den i started to get rushy ard 4pm cos i need to rush to so many places...
last stop, dinner at granny's.... goodness so much food were laid out!! fuyyooohh!!
i still had 4 boxes of canadian pizza on the way.... thankfully we finished all!!!!!
my bday cake was fabuluous as usual... the yummilicious Truffle fm PrimaDeli... simply love it... yum yum....
went downstair to play fire sparkles.... it was fun...
n basically... tt was it.... but i was happy n contented....

i only received one physical present this year n im so happy.... hehehe
but gt to keep the excitement low... gotta act like 23... yeah rite!!

~~Love Zann~~

i've gt mail!! lots n lots or it!!

i've been receiving lots n lots of mail attention to me!!
so cool!! i like!!
looking forward to havin mails everyday... n the cool thing is, i get it!!
so basically, its my statement of accounts, hari raya greeting cards, birthday cards n inivitation letters/cards n promotional materials n etc.
speaking of which, its 2 days to my bday!!

i dunno y, unlike every other year, im nt really looking forward to it...
im still excited about it, but it wasnt before....
i'll be a year older come October 7, tt means i'll be 23years old...
well, some say its old, i like to think its still a young age.. its a young adult :)

i took leave n its approved!! yay!! i nvr work on my bday n it shall remain tt way!
basically mum wants everyone not to work n have dinner at some restaurant den off to geylang bazaar... i wasnt really in for tt idea but i jus go for the idea... simply due to my "anythin" attitude.. hahaha
but yest, i suddenly gt all excited n had all the plans changed.
i wanted it at hm, with family n pizza n nice food. called up my aunts to hv it at their place since all my cousins will be there anyway....
so yeah, jus a simple one. jus like last year. the only difference is, my beloved grandpa is nt ard anymore. my bday was the last celebration anyone had with him.
so yeah, im gonna beg my aunts to cook some yummy food. hahahha... n its gonna be lots of canadian pizzas n my yummilicious all-time fav cake, Truffles... gt to order tt cake too!
hmmmmm so looking forward... hadnt met my granny n relatives for months now! damn! i worked too much. urgh!

sat meeting darling Ven for dinner. missing her!! i love meeting her, she always give me a gd laugh..... need tt hug too!!
i hope to meet my dear fren this coming tue too.... its been some time we last catch up! so tts another dinner. hehehe...
im gettin my time management at hand thia mth, so its all good!
the prob is finance, im gonna be so broke nxt mth... haiz... i better prepare myself for it now..

~~Love Zann~~

it aint supposed to hurt

moving on wif life seem so hard... the fact tt im trying real hard is a good progress.
im still searching myself... i make myself happy everyday...
simple simple things brightened up my day... even a nice comment or an sms. i make a point to appreciate everythin n think positive as much as possible.
i know my relationship is over for sure and im contented i didnt go thru tt grueling torture again... i jus cant let it ruined me.

im strong by the day.... weakest at night...
everynite i shed a tear or a thought before i close my eyes i sleep..
you never escape from my mind, be it gd or bad memory...
its impossible for me to simply treat u as a nobody when u meant so much to me n you were part of so many important events of my life...
but.. alas... things jus have to go this way...
it hurts me more to see that u never take the initiative to even contact me, it seems like u'll never wanna be close to me. i seemed like nobody to u, like i didnt matter.
it saddens me cos u were my close n bestfren. n u still do mean alot to me.
but i figured it takes time n im being patient about it.

at anytime of the day, the past came rushing to me n i started to break down.
though its been awhile, it felt like it happened jus yesterday...
my pain is with him, being wif him makes its so difficult.
i guess my wounds hadnt been healed, im still hurt. i still "feel" it... the pain i went thru, the harsh treatments, the thought of them together, the pride i swallowed, the depression n misery i been thru n etc. i jus couldnt do it, cant deal with it. though i love him alot, i cant stop the past fm coming back, its beyond my control. i'll break down.
we tried many times, given so many chances but we failed! haiz.. maybe its really not meant to be. and im accepting that.

i had to shift my focus elsewhere. i had to have my priorities changed.
im accepting my life the way it is now...
explore new things, open up to new avenues....
maybe there's a reason y i cant get over the past, y i freaked out in the first place, y i feel insecure when he's done nothing wrong(infact, he's been sweet), y he's so calm n cool over this issue, y he react like we r not worthy, y he's not tt bothered above everythin else.... maybe there's a reason for everythin...
the answer is out there in the future... there hv to be a good explanation for every event tts happening now...

as i listen to the music playing on my blogs, it kept me thinking...
its true... "its so hard for me to explain this feeling, i think about it everyday and even though we've moved on, its so hard to walk away... i will remember you"
its jus so true.... i will always remember this whole life journey and i will never wanna erase any part of my memory or trade it for anythin else.
"there's no man who can give me tt attention, the same as your affection" and i wont deny tt.. i wont change tt either, it shall remain tt way. you cant have all things good in life n i very well knew tt. i jus hv to move on with my life....

im so afraid to love for now, anyway, it takes awhile for me to fall in love, i dun love tt easily... i may like or have crushes, not love. So there's high chances of a rebound case at this point of time n i will never wanna hurt another person or hurt myself. but i hv advices tt sometimes in life, u'll gt to take the risk n not be so afraid n protect yourself too much. haiz..... should i??
will take a day at a time, im nt gonna control my destiny either, if it happens, it happens, if not, then its not.
i hv fear not living up to the expectations of my partner.. so committing in another relationship will take sometime.

~~Love Zann~~