it aint supposed to hurt

moving on wif life seem so hard... the fact tt im trying real hard is a good progress.
im still searching myself... i make myself happy everyday...
simple simple things brightened up my day... even a nice comment or an sms. i make a point to appreciate everythin n think positive as much as possible.
i know my relationship is over for sure and im contented i didnt go thru tt grueling torture again... i jus cant let it ruined me.

im strong by the day.... weakest at night...
everynite i shed a tear or a thought before i close my eyes i sleep..
you never escape from my mind, be it gd or bad memory...
its impossible for me to simply treat u as a nobody when u meant so much to me n you were part of so many important events of my life...
but.. alas... things jus have to go this way...
it hurts me more to see that u never take the initiative to even contact me, it seems like u'll never wanna be close to me. i seemed like nobody to u, like i didnt matter.
it saddens me cos u were my close n bestfren. n u still do mean alot to me.
but i figured it takes time n im being patient about it.

at anytime of the day, the past came rushing to me n i started to break down.
though its been awhile, it felt like it happened jus yesterday...
my pain is with him, being wif him makes its so difficult.
i guess my wounds hadnt been healed, im still hurt. i still "feel" it... the pain i went thru, the harsh treatments, the thought of them together, the pride i swallowed, the depression n misery i been thru n etc. i jus couldnt do it, cant deal with it. though i love him alot, i cant stop the past fm coming back, its beyond my control. i'll break down.
we tried many times, given so many chances but we failed! haiz.. maybe its really not meant to be. and im accepting that.

i had to shift my focus elsewhere. i had to have my priorities changed.
im accepting my life the way it is now...
explore new things, open up to new avenues....
maybe there's a reason y i cant get over the past, y i freaked out in the first place, y i feel insecure when he's done nothing wrong(infact, he's been sweet), y he's so calm n cool over this issue, y he react like we r not worthy, y he's not tt bothered above everythin else.... maybe there's a reason for everythin...
the answer is out there in the future... there hv to be a good explanation for every event tts happening now...

as i listen to the music playing on my blogs, it kept me thinking...
its true... "its so hard for me to explain this feeling, i think about it everyday and even though we've moved on, its so hard to walk away... i will remember you"
its jus so true.... i will always remember this whole life journey and i will never wanna erase any part of my memory or trade it for anythin else.
"there's no man who can give me tt attention, the same as your affection" and i wont deny tt.. i wont change tt either, it shall remain tt way. you cant have all things good in life n i very well knew tt. i jus hv to move on with my life....

im so afraid to love for now, anyway, it takes awhile for me to fall in love, i dun love tt easily... i may like or have crushes, not love. So there's high chances of a rebound case at this point of time n i will never wanna hurt another person or hurt myself. but i hv advices tt sometimes in life, u'll gt to take the risk n not be so afraid n protect yourself too much. haiz..... should i??
will take a day at a time, im nt gonna control my destiny either, if it happens, it happens, if not, then its not.
i hv fear not living up to the expectations of my partner.. so committing in another relationship will take sometime.

~~Love Zann~~