The Sun shines down on me.....

hmmm... these few days have been pretty busy for me, but one thing for sure, im smiling everyday...

somebody's changed now... for the better.... i now recognised the person for who he used to be before.... things r going the right way.... questions r popping up every now n then but i put a delay on all that...
could the moments be temporary?? will this happiness last?? i really dun know....
one thing for sure.... i truely love him.... n i know he loves n adores me alot too.... he sort of "forgot" all bout it cos so many things happening in his life n i was the victim he tortured...
follow ur heart... or ur mind? i say Both!! but my mind seem to follow my heart....

instantaneously, life was filled with bundle of joy....
knowing how sorry/guilty/wrong he is... cos admitting wrong may not be an option for a guy's ego.... i was contented by it....
past few days, been talking things out n went out with him.... he's making his way back to my heart.... i felt so secure to be back in his arms.
everything's like the past but .... now, the future is unknown....
i hold the answer to this r/s.... my answer seem so clear but my worries r pulling me back...

Love is not jus bout the good things in life....
i know Love constitutes of sacrifices and risk.... n im willing to take all that...
been with him for so long now, its so hard to not to relive the memories we had...
i know for sure i love him n now he's back, i'll hold on his words....
dun care if pple say its stupid to put my heart on the line, or to allow myself being deceived again... no this is Love!! i trusted him before, n will continue to do so.....
i looked deep in his eyes n i know he sincerely regrets watever happened...
no matter how much he may hv hurt me before, there will always be a part of me tt continues to love....
we'll start a new page, continue where we stopped...
if we dun work out in future or anything happen thereafter.... i know it's gonna hurt me even more but im willing to take the risk...

anyways, watch Final Destination 3... wasnt as good as i expected..... this time everyone dies, which makes more sense... but they way they died wasnt as gruesome....
been eating or rather, snacking to my hearts' content cos im jus in a good mood....

oh btw, yest saw my sis's blog n she wrote she misses me..... awwww.... so touching~~
last nite, the 3 siblings--- me, my bro, my sis... all slept in the same room.... on the same bed!! my bro's queen-sized bed.... wahahhahaa... whacky.... dun imagine how we all managed to sleep together....
cute! i love them so much!!!

my pay is here again... But haiz... not allowed to spend, some many things to deal with...
jus now... somehow i got huge cravings for fruit tarts, choc n McSpicy!!! i gt wat i wanted as always... couldnt take it n bought a meal... but after eating abit of fries n meat, suddenly so full.... wasted!!
weeee.. my bro finally gt his bike licence.. im so excited... cant wait for the bike to arrive!! ohh he gt new gf too n so does my lil sis, bf for her.... cant wait to meet them...
overall, its been a good week....

MIlkshakes!!!

yum yum... im hook on Mcd Milkshakes!! strawberry flavour in particular....
yummilicious.... so nice... been sucking on it for days....
dunno y i love the strawberry one cos choc always tatse better.. Kak Reina says "cos its pink rite??" WAHAHAHA!!

these few days, been feeling lazy n tired n restless...
been taking cab to and from work... haiz....

anyway, Ir's been utra-nice these days... hehehe.... loving it...
u'll only realise hw impt somethin/someone is when its gone.... how true is that!!
see, he does have time... he jus need to prioritise them... hehe... :)

ohhh keep forgettin things these days, i forgot my purse today... luckily my mum works nearby...
im getting old alrdy... getting slower n gets tired so fast....
yana's fren called me to be the extra for the Teman Anugerahku productions this time... aiyoyo i turn it down for 3rd time alrdy.. no actually more than that!! some productions i dun even know... wat i can recall is only the Erlin Montel production, which i recommended my gorgeous cousin, Shikin. Felt so guilty, i was so busy trying to get pple to cover for me but unfortunately i lost alot of my contacts ever since i swop to my hp... sob sob.. most of my contacts r saved in my phone memory cos sim card memory full...

yest i go to work wif jus my adidas trackpant n SP polo shirt, hair tighted in poly tail.... wahahahha.... so rilek!!!! slacko!!!
duhhh... like as if i care.... there's no one eye-candy anyway... wahahha... they all teased me saying tt im the camp instructor.... wahahhaha... but hey! i used to be one anyway.. *wink*

felt guilty i've been trying to avoid some pple.... jus afraid pple take it in the wrong way again...
im jus not interested with anythin more than friends.. so sori... single or not... my heart still lies with jus one person... dunno wat'll happen... only time will tell...

a fren keep asking if im okay n he will try to make me smile somehow.... so funny!! a natural entertainer, he been doing that[making me laugh/smile] since i first know him.... hahaha... but he will also ask me so many qns... wahahhaha some i cant even answer... funny hw he ask me so many "y" in one sentence... haha

"if ur the one who ask for the break-up, y issit tt ur the one who's feeling so hurt, sad n suffering?? u shd be happy n enjoy ur free life...."
"... maybe cos he make such big impact on me n tt i love him alot... i guess!"

okay.... i want milkshakes... n ooooohhhh Mcd has discount coupons...
i dun care wat pple thinks but MacDonalds is my fav fastfood since i was 2yrs old!! but its true!! my parents feed me everythin excpt milk... maybe tts y im still short!! hahaha now im picturing myself at 2... munching on french fries.... hmmmm cute!!

this is so frustrating....

urgggghhhh... i feel like giving him a slap on his face!!!
no its not Amir, its this stupid, bloody somebody who's nobody but thinks he's somebody....
arrrggghhh getting on my nerves!!

i treat u as a friend.. maybe jus a colleague... no more than tt!! i bloody dun even talk to u sometimes... i pity u cos no one wants to talk/befriend u... anyway im nice to EVERYONE so being nice to u is my normal self n u took it the wrong way.... bloody bitch!!
we never go out, dun even communicate via hp, phone or anythin n he's reacting in a way like he's known me for so long or like as though we been dating or something!! DUH!!
u assume so many things n now claiming "she rejects my love" n gets all emotional.... jus bcos i said... "....its not my fav rose" WAT THE FUCK!!! wat i cant stand is ur a guy, BE A MAN!! bodoh... arrgghhh i shadnt elaborate!!!
super ultra-sensitive n feel offended by the slightest things pple do/say... GROW UP!! no wonder pple dun wanna really befriend u....
heard so many childish act, stupid things tt irates me.... tt made me so freaking frustrated.. i mean who the hell r u?!!! who r u to be pissed when my other guyfriends r ard me?? stupid asshole!! i cant stand u!! complaining bout me n telling it to other pple....
my every single slightest reaction or actions tt i myself may not be wary of, will be taken in a big way... go get a life... so not acting his age... everyone thinks he so weird....

*breathe* bottom line, he's pathetic n so not my type... im so youthful n ur so outdated!! i wore short skirts n shoe shoes n he so "bapak2" n wat makes u think ur good enuff for me huh?? disgusting... u wanna blame me for not telling u im attached?? FINE!! but HEY!!! u nvr ask me b4 n i NEVER showed any sign or EVEN FLIRT wif u!! eeuuuwwww... even when im single now NO WAY am i gonna telling u tt!! urgghh... u disgust me now!! not even at least good looking.... but ur attitude and behaviour DEFINITELY sucks n such a turn-off!! im ok wif everything at first till i heard things he said to pple n i myself saw his childish, stupid acts!!
oohh i cant wait for the reshuffling... how they put me as far away as possible.....
gosh, he made me so angry, bringing out the evil in me... i usually dun critisize pple like tt...
forgive me for being rude n insultive but i got feelings too...

anyway... i must admit i miss him... hahaha... now he's starting to realise he made a big mistake n he's so lost after all tt had happen... he admits his faults... FINALLY!!! regrets things he said in tt moment of anger or did things tt hurts me cos he took me for granted... haiz... *smiles*

tt day, saw din n hamdan n some guys hanging out at mcd tamp central ard midnite... i didnt even bothered to turn n look till i heard my name being called. Hahha they said i sombong!! so sorry... im so not interesting looking at guys... now i prefer looking at pretty gals... haha pple tot i became lesbian.... muahahahaha....
anyway hang out with them for awhile then this other fren said he say he recognise me at night rider on YY's bday... wahahahaha tt cute guy on the bus ride was his fren n he was right behind me.. n the other guy clm he is Ir's primary sch fren. small world!!

Wake up to REALITY

muahahahhaaha... ITS TIME TO WAKE UP!!!!!
jus as i expected... here comes my bills..... was so shock to see the figures....
freaking $1881.67... WTF???!!!
so now.... im going CRAZY again... a diff kind of craziness....
all my long-term savings go down the drain.... my plan to travel?? haiz neednt say more!! hehehheeee but it jus feels so good to sign sign sign sign sign awwwaaaayyyyyyy.....
i got the things i want and things i dun really need or slurge on stupid things...
i've had my share of fun n crazy times.. emotional breakdown n watever-watever.... ok life has to move on....
i've got firdhaus to thank for making me feel so good bout 'signing away' nt feel guilty or regrets... bt of cos i've gt to take it as a valuable lesson... muahahahhaa!!
Firdhaus, Min n Muz all got in Singapore Idol auditions.... awesome~!! feel bad for my not-so-enthusiastic-reaction when firdhaus told me bout it... sorry not in gd mood at tt time... weee~ see ya guys on TV... oh i heard fm somebody tt somebody[whom sdnt be] also got in...

anyway, i played truant again... hahahha didnt come for work.... im jus so lazy...
oh btw, Valentine's nothing.. singaporean aint romantic at all!!
i was working last night... oh btw, i received a pink rose on my desk n a card "fm lone ranger" wahahahahaa... this time curiousity didnt kill the cat, i wasnt at least excited or anxious to know who its from.... but i definitely know who it is from.... someone alot of pple dun like... i, on the other hand, do not look at pple on the exterior... i jus appreciate the gd gesture... But im so so so not interested.... dun mean to be rude but he's so outdated... he's like so can be my uncle, ok tts evil... **zip mouth**
didnt bring the rose out of the office, when he emailed me n ask,"hope u like it... pink is ur fav colour rite?" i replied..."thanks.. yup its nice. yes pink is my fav colour but its not my fav rose... hehe"
assumptions.. assumptions.... those who know me knows....

ohhh im loving my new hp... though its nt tt great but im not someone who needs sophisticated, high-tech hp....

btw, i still hv to thanks my 3 darlings who make me feel less torturous.. thank you babes!! love u all.. bIG HUGS n muackz!! makes me see things in a diff way all the time!! but sorry i aint in a mood to look out for any guy yet.... my gosh i jus realise im the oldest but i seem to be the smallest... hahaha gd job Ven n YY with the heels!!

updates. i felt better this week... Monday start off fine. good. i manage to smile n my head doesnt feel so dizzy now. my eyes r given a rest now. im still trying to be ok. like i said, i cant jus pretend like 3++yrs never happened. im working on it, i mean Ir n me working on being friends. He'll be a good friend cos he knows alot alot alot bout me...

ok, so today's the meeting n i get to know im in Team Heron... muahahahahhaa
they told us there's gonna be re-shuffling... wonder where's my desk later??
interesting.. interesting....

Every moments of diff emotions....

haiz... haiz... haiz...
okay.. lets see... i had so much emotions n things going its hard to descibe n explain...

Sat, i went out wif sis n bought the hp!! yay.. happy...
the starhub staff says the wait is gonna be like 1 half to 2 hrs... but the good things is after our bite at LJS n window shopping my number came... bought my hp n den off we go to Orchard...
as usual walked ard.. shop here n there... bought cookies, rose apple n lots of stuffs...
it was the Singapore Idol auditions so lots of pple... wahahhaha... kecohz...
i bought a pair of red shoes i tot it was cute bt im not sure wat matches wif it.... wahahaha..
we go taka n we bought nice cushiony cute stuffs... almost bought his very nice, huggy huge teddy cost $79.95.... haha.... snack here n there along the way...
oh btw, we eat at delifrance bristro n stupid cheeky guy is jus a turn off....
spent spent spent but my sis wasnt really taking advantage of it.... haiyo... jus tell me la... i surely will get it for her....

hmmmm i was tired but didnt wanna go hm yet.... walked n walked then we happen to saw wicked aura.... yay my favourite street performers!!! i was such in gd mood, i gave tips!!
so basically i keep on spending n signing on my card payments like nobody's business....
im like living the life of the rich n carefree.... yah yah "like" only.. if only...

Shahrudin called me late at nite cos he cant sleep... i cant sleep too.... talked to him till 4am cos i really cant take it alrdy, if not he cld hv gone on n on....
Oh yah i was complainin to him hw im so pissed off at the guys at tampines central mcd who took my hp no w/o my permission n irritatingly contacting me.... arrrrggghhh!!
luckily the stopped when i jus cant be bothered....

woke up quite early today considering hw late i slept!!!
den i was bombarded by harsh words fm Amir's sms.... couldnt take it tt i cried since morning till bout 4++pm till my eyes r so swollen n i get a really bad headache... haiz.. i dun wish to elaborate wat he said here... couldnt take it.. i forward the msg to Ven n she then call me up to calm me down... i was crying so bad i dunno how she understand wat im saying... den so called force me to bathe... den they adv me to go out n me n last min meet.... yah i need tt.... i wanna meet them.... so sweet... i appreciate tt!!

otw there, was crying on the train.... freaking paiseh cos the tears jus cant stop rolling out even though i tried to evn close my eyes n sleep.... train ride felt so slow.... when finally reached somerset... saw YY n Ven there n hugged... den i immediately burst into tears again...
Ven bought red rose & cute red hearts chocs.... sweet!! den meet up with Jo n we chill at Emerality 8 bar... jus chill n talk things out... i jus summarized wat happened la... they were really supportive n it felt so gd... Jo also gave us Royce chocs!! wow... expensive chocs... they suddenly YY disappeared for awhile n bought brownie n choc cake fm TCC....
had so drinks n finger food... four-layer cheese pizza is nice!! cheesy.... cost alot i tink but once awhile oklah...
den off we go to chill at TCC for some drinks again, den we had our deserts there too... oohhh i love the Ultimate Hazelnut Frappe.... taste so starbucks!! n wahahaha the place was freaking cold.... treat them in the end....
i came wif swollen n teary eyes wif jus my purse n hp n came hm wif a smile n huge TCC paperbag wif TCC's nicely packed choc cake, heart-shaped choc, red rose and Royce chocs.... n a smile!! im jus so touched....

overall.. it all went well... n this is so last min but they all so sweet to make me smile... Love them all... **hugs**
felt alot better n sms him tt after all tt happen i dun wish to be enemies... on my way hm, mum called me n said bro wanted to go hospital for x-ray... so i called him n he so stubborn insisting tt he'll go alone... haiyah.... when i reached hm, he still at hm. so again, i offered to accompany him even though im damn tired....
thankfully i followed if not he'll hv alot of prob cos doc says he's fractured n need clutches now... see... lucky i was there for support n cash... if not, i dunno how he cope...
when we reached hm, bro suddenly had he urged to eat... so i helped n accompany my limping bro to ayshalihin.... wow he's damn slow n he sweats alot... can see he struggle to move... poor boy... we took cab hm cos he jus cant cope... hahhaaha... see im such a gd sister... took care of him n stuff.... stubborn boy!!
"i dun depend on pple man... im an independent guy" yeah rite!! forget it!! im nt jus "pple", im ur sister for goodness sake!! its almost 4am now n im damn tired but i still entertain him n follow his wants....

oh btw, my sis not at hm... she left me!! hmmphh!! slept over at my cuz place...
as for Ir, things gonna be diff w/o him but hopefully we'll still be gd friends...
like i said b4, i nvr wanna hate him n we both jolly well knows tt no matter wat he does wrong or hw he hurts me... i will always forgive him.... n i alrdy did....
told bro bout it n he fully understand... no big reactions though... so tts a gd thing...

i really really wonders hw much i charged to my masters card now cos i've been signing off like nobody's busineess.. gt a feeling its almost up to $600 alrdy... or maybe more... muahahaha...
i think i need to save up alot more this mth alrdy...
oh dear im still having headache now n my eyes r so damn tired...

im so tired lately... hate my lifestyle now
cant sleep at nite and waing up so early yet im still late for work...
y?? cos i stoned too much n get into so much emotions tt slows down my pace in doing things! hate it.... my adherance is so bad, i was given a notice to watch my adherance... hahaha!! n so does most of my colleagues...

management's decision to make changes irates everyone!!
but wat to do... work is work...
so many pple r leaving n sending out resumes to other jobs! gosh they're leaving me all alone cos me being so stubborn wants to stay for at least 6mths if not 1 year...
haiz... work is too much of a distraction tt i only hv time to be "emo" late at nite... tts when i need to snack n supper.... gosh i've been spending alot too...
some hw the reason y im saving up no longer stands... so let me jus enjoy wat ever i have but of cos i know my limitations.. i know when/where to stop

been wanting to get a new hp but the wait for starhub queue is crazy...
i want the sony ericsson Z520i.... small, flip-phone, young n sport... i think suits me well though it doesnt look tt gd... i find it cute n it has everythin i need.... hopefully i get it by this week..

on wed i went to Ir's hse to return his tent/hammock, his pair of our couple ring tt i kept for him, the blue topaz necklace n ring he bought in thailand n the name banner he bought fm taiwan. Julizah accompanied me... thanks gal!!
pple ask y i gave back the stuff... the expensive stuffs... well i only keep things tt hv sentimental value not necessarily expensive stuff. i keep some, i return very few... i hv my reasons....

Jus now meet up with Jo, YY n Ven at orchard... was supposed to hv dinner but the queue was so long n 2 of them didnt really wanna eat. i was craving for choc McMilkshakes, so we chill at mcd shaw. talk over some stuff.... i appreciate their efforts not to talk bout it though it felt so weird cos we always talk bout stuffs like this.... i didnt talk much today...
ven & YY were sick but they still come down n meet me.. so touched... was nice to hug them.... its been some time since the last time i hugged...
YY n Jo going MOS tmr... dunno if i wanna join.... dun hv the md... i think im nt ready to step out of my world yet.... haiz... some one told me few days ago... 'if it hurts so much, jus let it go n make peace, give in n stop being so egoistic over it'....

im looking forward to tmr... wanna go outz with my sistaz...
its gonna be my treat.... wanna watch cartoon on TV together, buy hp.... maybe catch a movie or something.... eat delifrance, cookies, brownies n icecream.. yum yum yum.... i need my sista... havent seen/been with her the whole week cos im so so so busy....

im so tired, dead restless and busy the whole entire month... things happen randomly... i forgot....
***Happy Belated 22nd Birthday ESLI***

my fren Siti got married today....
i came late n stood up my friends for some time.... im so sori guys!!
work up really late cos i didnt wanna get out of bed!!
the wedding was okay... she looks so sweet!! n her husband is good-looking... eurasian convert muslim guy! we stayed till she changed to her white dress!!

they all left hm after tt... i didnt wanna go hm though!!
spent some time walking ard tamp central n bought alot of stuff....
i spent $200++ over a short period of time.... feel like buying this n that... i want all!!!
my addidas shoe bag & shoe gt stolen!! was upset bout it so i bought myself nike shoe tt cost $125 yet i dun feel a pinch!! i bought blazer, top n skirt.. i dunno y i bought them even when i dun really like it... jus take n pay.... i didnt even try them on!!
i almost buy the cute coaster & tray for my hse.... pink addidas watch... even an electronic keyboard!!! luckily my dear sis stopped me fm all tt... im like some crazy gal who dun care bout money.... i really fork out alot of my hard-earned money tt i've saved so far!!
im going crazy...

i dun wanna hate him.... he's been wonderful the past years!!

a week has past.... its hard to get time pass by...
yes it still hurts... to know tt all u had for the past 3+yrs is gone...
i feel so lost... cos he's so impt & dear to me... but he's gone

i think i make him look so bad in my previous post...
no matter hw he hurt me... the times we had, i will always cherish... those memories will forever remain in my mind n heart....
he was there for me most of the time.... we went thru ups & downs together
he is the one i love, trust the most n he will also be one who hurts me the most..
he used to there for me when i needed him the most n i truely, sincerely appreciate it
he mean so much to me.... everythin shatterred...
he was my dearest closest boyfriend, my bestfriend, my strenght, my comfort....
pple close to me wld know hw attached i am with him...

few days ago... he msg me out of sudden again... it was really late.. ard 1++am
told me he was having chest pain[he must hv started smoking again]... of cos i still cares.... msg n told him to tc & tts all.... but he went on to ask me "how long do u wanna be mad wif me?" good qn!! but im slowly moving towards forgiving him but it doesnt mean things gonna be same/okay... didnt ans him tt though!
later, we kept msg n he was trying to explain tt he was jus trying to get even with me. He wants me to feel how he feel when i was mad at him. but he also admit tt he went TOO far. i admit i may be a lil out of control when im mad but i think wat he did was far a diff level... Wat exactly does he wants?? Issit really worth it to put a r/s jus to get even?? How can he bear to put me in so much agony IF he loves me?? n i dun understand y/how he simply dun care?? so hard to believe his love for me still exist....

Pple ard me hv been telling me tt there's definitely more to it rather than 'jus to get even'.. I do agree but then again, i dun wish to know. maybe i wld like to know but not now.... maybe later!! Wats also so confusing is the fact tt he will tell me tt he loves me when there's no actions/follow up at all... i dun c any effort coming him to salvage anythin but then again, even so, it will all b too late for all tt...
I can c tt he is really accepting the fact tt we broke up now... cos he stop communicating wif me as i did make it clear to him tt day.... i hope his chest is okay now.... feel like msg to know hw he doing but i dun want him to know i still care... i'll be putting myself on the line if i were to do...

Been stoning these days, having time alone makes me think thru watever we had in the past.. im wonderin hw long i'll be in this state... tears fall each time im in deep thoughts...
yup, i dun regret wat happen... makes me realise i dun really need him as much as i always thought. makes me think its time i have to be dependent on my own. makes me wonder hw much a person can change in such a short time. makes me realise hw deeply, madly in love i was... makes me think so much i get really really tired....
pple say its best if u share.... doesnt works for me... i prefer not to speak.. i jus couldnt.. automatically i will be in tears jus thinking bout it...
Everyone might think im so strong to make it thru these tough times. Wat u c doesnt reflect on wat i feel internally.... i will always try my very best to appear like everythin is alright... Whoever said im a strong gal?? since when i am?? i nvr was...

move on?? how?? i dunno how... i cant simply pretend like 3++yrs never happen in my life??
i've left my "socialising world" long ago.... i dun think i wanna step in back again
future is full of uncertainity n i fear to face it...
let me be in my own world of darkness....

how he simply breaks my heart.... painfully & slowly...

where do i start??
bottom line is I broke up.... n i ask for it...
He's a totally changed person since he became an Officer....
wats so great being one? yeah rite... alot of responsibilities, veryx10 busy, no time, very very tiring??? hmmm i really2 wonder wats goin on...

ever since Dec05, things r alrdy so shaky.. unstable...
we tried to make things up.... give in... it doesnt seem to be working! each time he said something, he didnt fulfill it.... empty promises...
upset & disappointed over so many diff, various things but as usual Azizan will be upset & sad... cried her heart out every night n she'll be fine the next day.... this becomes so frequent tt he took advantage of it... each time he hurt me, he left me alone.... to mend my own heart n only apologise the next morning/day with an sms "im sorry" tt doesnt seem sincere at all...
its jus too frequent tt he been treating me like this... his reasons, "sorry iza, im bz n im tired" i gotten so sick n tired of tt pathetic phrase!
its not like he's not aware of my feelings, my disappointment, my saddness, my sufferrings... not like i keep mum bout it.... i actually personally voice out n told him tt, but alas, none was taken by him.

Y? cos he jolly well knows tt i love him alot... deeply.... tt i will definitely forgive him n tt i will be alright the next day. But having done this many2 times, makes me realise how foolish tt is n not to mention how hurtful it is...
i may sound exaggerating but im not. its so hard to talk to him, he'll either be so busy he got no time to talk or when we're in conversation, he gets very very distracted by his other things, more importantly his friends in camp n his recruits. They're all are of higher importance and priority than poor me!~

imagine this. i was always anxious when talking to him but he end up doozing off.... or distracted... no, he didnt catch wat i was telling him... the next tt will come out of him,"sorry iza... im jus too tired if we continue on, u'll get angry tt i dun listen, so i think i jus hang up. sori!" so in the end i will nvr hv the chance to tell him wats i wanted to tell....

recently, we 're drifting apart cos of this stupid so-called open r/s we adopt cos according to him, "ur jus 21, we both r very young. u shd enjoy ur life rite now. go n do wat u want. go out with ur friends, partying, clubbing, dating!!i've been so possessive the past few yrs u'll always want this and tt, go do wat u want now." At first, we agreed but i keep tellin him its not gonna work cos i've always been so loyal, faithful n truthful n i dun wanna be a bitch dating guys ard... guess wat he says,"its ok, jus tell the guy tt ur bf allows it but of cos there're b limitations" MADDNESS!!

day by day.... he's getting crazier... no sms or call... communication breakdown. my insecurities rises, told him bout it... even cried over it. No he doesnt care if i cried, sometimes i even got scolded for crying cos he said i shd grow up. of cos, the harder i cried. he'll nvr ever understand how hurtful it was. It didnt bother him, no consolation, he jus ask me to sleep. like my tears r worthless... he's so cruel. he becomes a monster w/o feelings. he thinks im a doll. occassionally was very nice to me, most of the time, cruel!!
i may hv tt 30mins of happiness but i suffered pain for days aft days.... wats the point of holding on?
whens the last time we met/go out darling? i've been waiting in vain...

ur frens n fishing r much much more impt. we planned to go out on 1feb05 tt will be our 39th mth anniv but we nvr reached there. instead he went on fishing trip [which is far much more impt to him, same thing happened on 1jan06--fishing with frens again]desolate over wats going on for such a long time, i ask for the break-up on 30jan06. bt there wasnt an impact on him. i was having severe cramps then, he didnt bother, he jus ask me to stop crying n grow up, den ask me to sleep. so signs of concerns. where's my darling Ir? the one i used to love, the one who love me deeply?? where's tt guy?? he's gone.. he's changed...

on the nite i ask for the break-up.... i was crying since the sun still up till very late at night... my eyes swollen! its so painful... both pains fm my cramps n my broken heart. i cldnt believe he didnt bother at all. Instead, he's response was wat i expect but didnt wanna expect. He clm im being childish again n tt i treathened for a break. This time, its for sure, im not turning back. we keep going ard in circles n i hate the fact tt things r ok for awhile n he starts his nonsense again.

I kept all his msg with empty promises....
when we're in poly, told him to work, he wants to concentrate on studies
when he graduates, true he works n saved but he spends on his $2500 stund bike
when he joins NS, he clm he didnt hv enuff to support himself
when he POP n was admitted to Sispec, he wasnt satisfied he fights n impresses to be in OCS
when he in OCS, he starts to be very busy n needs alot of cash for his army stuffs
when he was commissioned as an officer, he spends like nobody business on his stuff n his holiday trips with his friends
when he's so busy, he says he'll be free by CNY
when CNY came, he's busy with his friends n fishing trips
all the empty promises.... i've been so patient n hv always hold on to his words, i even kept all his messages
He will nvr hv enough to start saving up on his own or hv time for me despite my constant reminders.
the guy jus wanna have fun. yeah he's jus 21 like he said!
i've been waiting in vain for the chance to be loved or have time wif him.... the chance nvr come. maybe cos im too forgiving n simple-minded, i simply was satisfied by his msg telling me tt he misses me or loves me but i learnt tt all that r jus words... meaningless words
his hugs will make me forget watever pain i been through... jus like tt....

Rite now, he i know n i can feel tt he still hv the confidence tt i will forgive him n tt i'll come back to him cos he know me too well.... my weakness, my stubborness, my behaviors!!
im afraid tt day will come.... i dun wanna go back in circles again cos he will still be the same again aft awhile.
Even yest, 1feb06, he still wishes me happy 39th mth anniv like nothing ever happened. its funny cos he didnt call/sms on 31jan06 at all den suddenly msg out of the blue. i confronted him yest[1feb] constantly telling him tt its over. i havent spoken to him in a long long time cos i dun wish to, i cant let him brainwashed me again with his sugar-coated words.
on the same day, he finally admit tt he "honestly [i] did iton purpose" cos acoording to him he wants me to feel how he feels last time?? he deliberately dun wanna call/sms me? he deliberately didnt wanna care/bother bout me?wat the hell??? wat?? for wat?? i dunno if tts another lie...

LIE... talking about lies... haiz....
i was pretty confused bout the sudden shift fm a possessive person to "go-ahead-do-all-u want" person... many of my frens seems to find it suspiciuous but as usual Azizan will never ever doubt her boyfriend. honestly, there's never once i didnt trust him.
so far he hasnt told me anythin shocking yet but he admit tt he lied bout not smoking or drinking. slowly he opened up n admitting keeping me in the dark of going "those not very nice" places wif his frens, dancing with some gals, drinking n doing stupid stuffs when he's drunk. wat other things tt he didnt tell me i dunno n i dun wish to know. wat happened to my baby?? sad to hear all those but of cos forever Azizan forgave him n appreciates it for speaking the truth.

im in a very confused state now.... i know i love him very very much yet i keep telling myself i dun love him n tt i hated him so so so so much for treating me like dirt. His egoistic actions n behaviour is very very irritating, he seemed cool with the situation as he knows one day i'll be okay. i dun wanna be okay n i dun wish to continue being foolishly in love.... furthermore, he's changed, he's diff now... not the one i used to love.... i dun wanna look back....
i fear tt we'll patch things up again.. no tt will not happen... i cant let it happen ...n dun wanna endup suffering again.....
this is so stressful.... i've been avoiding him.
the funny/gd thing this time.. he hv alot of time as he's on leave since last Saturday but nvr once he looked for me. Never once he constantly call or flood my sms inbox wif msg. He is as his 'new' usual self not bothered bout me or our r/s. bt its gd cos it makes me hate him more... gradually i will forget tt i once was madly, deeply in love with this guy....