how he simply breaks my heart.... painfully & slowly...

where do i start??
bottom line is I broke up.... n i ask for it...
He's a totally changed person since he became an Officer....
wats so great being one? yeah rite... alot of responsibilities, veryx10 busy, no time, very very tiring??? hmmm i really2 wonder wats goin on...

ever since Dec05, things r alrdy so shaky.. unstable...
we tried to make things up.... give in... it doesnt seem to be working! each time he said something, he didnt fulfill it.... empty promises...
upset & disappointed over so many diff, various things but as usual Azizan will be upset & sad... cried her heart out every night n she'll be fine the next day.... this becomes so frequent tt he took advantage of it... each time he hurt me, he left me alone.... to mend my own heart n only apologise the next morning/day with an sms "im sorry" tt doesnt seem sincere at all...
its jus too frequent tt he been treating me like this... his reasons, "sorry iza, im bz n im tired" i gotten so sick n tired of tt pathetic phrase!
its not like he's not aware of my feelings, my disappointment, my saddness, my sufferrings... not like i keep mum bout it.... i actually personally voice out n told him tt, but alas, none was taken by him.

Y? cos he jolly well knows tt i love him alot... deeply.... tt i will definitely forgive him n tt i will be alright the next day. But having done this many2 times, makes me realise how foolish tt is n not to mention how hurtful it is...
i may sound exaggerating but im not. its so hard to talk to him, he'll either be so busy he got no time to talk or when we're in conversation, he gets very very distracted by his other things, more importantly his friends in camp n his recruits. They're all are of higher importance and priority than poor me!~

imagine this. i was always anxious when talking to him but he end up doozing off.... or distracted... no, he didnt catch wat i was telling him... the next tt will come out of him,"sorry iza... im jus too tired if we continue on, u'll get angry tt i dun listen, so i think i jus hang up. sori!" so in the end i will nvr hv the chance to tell him wats i wanted to tell....

recently, we 're drifting apart cos of this stupid so-called open r/s we adopt cos according to him, "ur jus 21, we both r very young. u shd enjoy ur life rite now. go n do wat u want. go out with ur friends, partying, clubbing, dating!!i've been so possessive the past few yrs u'll always want this and tt, go do wat u want now." At first, we agreed but i keep tellin him its not gonna work cos i've always been so loyal, faithful n truthful n i dun wanna be a bitch dating guys ard... guess wat he says,"its ok, jus tell the guy tt ur bf allows it but of cos there're b limitations" MADDNESS!!

day by day.... he's getting crazier... no sms or call... communication breakdown. my insecurities rises, told him bout it... even cried over it. No he doesnt care if i cried, sometimes i even got scolded for crying cos he said i shd grow up. of cos, the harder i cried. he'll nvr ever understand how hurtful it was. It didnt bother him, no consolation, he jus ask me to sleep. like my tears r worthless... he's so cruel. he becomes a monster w/o feelings. he thinks im a doll. occassionally was very nice to me, most of the time, cruel!!
i may hv tt 30mins of happiness but i suffered pain for days aft days.... wats the point of holding on?
whens the last time we met/go out darling? i've been waiting in vain...

ur frens n fishing r much much more impt. we planned to go out on 1feb05 tt will be our 39th mth anniv but we nvr reached there. instead he went on fishing trip [which is far much more impt to him, same thing happened on 1jan06--fishing with frens again]desolate over wats going on for such a long time, i ask for the break-up on 30jan06. bt there wasnt an impact on him. i was having severe cramps then, he didnt bother, he jus ask me to stop crying n grow up, den ask me to sleep. so signs of concerns. where's my darling Ir? the one i used to love, the one who love me deeply?? where's tt guy?? he's gone.. he's changed...

on the nite i ask for the break-up.... i was crying since the sun still up till very late at night... my eyes swollen! its so painful... both pains fm my cramps n my broken heart. i cldnt believe he didnt bother at all. Instead, he's response was wat i expect but didnt wanna expect. He clm im being childish again n tt i treathened for a break. This time, its for sure, im not turning back. we keep going ard in circles n i hate the fact tt things r ok for awhile n he starts his nonsense again.

I kept all his msg with empty promises....
when we're in poly, told him to work, he wants to concentrate on studies
when he graduates, true he works n saved but he spends on his $2500 stund bike
when he joins NS, he clm he didnt hv enuff to support himself
when he POP n was admitted to Sispec, he wasnt satisfied he fights n impresses to be in OCS
when he in OCS, he starts to be very busy n needs alot of cash for his army stuffs
when he was commissioned as an officer, he spends like nobody business on his stuff n his holiday trips with his friends
when he's so busy, he says he'll be free by CNY
when CNY came, he's busy with his friends n fishing trips
all the empty promises.... i've been so patient n hv always hold on to his words, i even kept all his messages
He will nvr hv enough to start saving up on his own or hv time for me despite my constant reminders.
the guy jus wanna have fun. yeah he's jus 21 like he said!
i've been waiting in vain for the chance to be loved or have time wif him.... the chance nvr come. maybe cos im too forgiving n simple-minded, i simply was satisfied by his msg telling me tt he misses me or loves me but i learnt tt all that r jus words... meaningless words
his hugs will make me forget watever pain i been through... jus like tt....

Rite now, he i know n i can feel tt he still hv the confidence tt i will forgive him n tt i'll come back to him cos he know me too well.... my weakness, my stubborness, my behaviors!!
im afraid tt day will come.... i dun wanna go back in circles again cos he will still be the same again aft awhile.
Even yest, 1feb06, he still wishes me happy 39th mth anniv like nothing ever happened. its funny cos he didnt call/sms on 31jan06 at all den suddenly msg out of the blue. i confronted him yest[1feb] constantly telling him tt its over. i havent spoken to him in a long long time cos i dun wish to, i cant let him brainwashed me again with his sugar-coated words.
on the same day, he finally admit tt he "honestly [i] did iton purpose" cos acoording to him he wants me to feel how he feels last time?? he deliberately dun wanna call/sms me? he deliberately didnt wanna care/bother bout me?wat the hell??? wat?? for wat?? i dunno if tts another lie...

LIE... talking about lies... haiz....
i was pretty confused bout the sudden shift fm a possessive person to "go-ahead-do-all-u want" person... many of my frens seems to find it suspiciuous but as usual Azizan will never ever doubt her boyfriend. honestly, there's never once i didnt trust him.
so far he hasnt told me anythin shocking yet but he admit tt he lied bout not smoking or drinking. slowly he opened up n admitting keeping me in the dark of going "those not very nice" places wif his frens, dancing with some gals, drinking n doing stupid stuffs when he's drunk. wat other things tt he didnt tell me i dunno n i dun wish to know. wat happened to my baby?? sad to hear all those but of cos forever Azizan forgave him n appreciates it for speaking the truth.

im in a very confused state now.... i know i love him very very much yet i keep telling myself i dun love him n tt i hated him so so so so much for treating me like dirt. His egoistic actions n behaviour is very very irritating, he seemed cool with the situation as he knows one day i'll be okay. i dun wanna be okay n i dun wish to continue being foolishly in love.... furthermore, he's changed, he's diff now... not the one i used to love.... i dun wanna look back....
i fear tt we'll patch things up again.. no tt will not happen... i cant let it happen ...n dun wanna endup suffering again.....
this is so stressful.... i've been avoiding him.
the funny/gd thing this time.. he hv alot of time as he's on leave since last Saturday but nvr once he looked for me. Never once he constantly call or flood my sms inbox wif msg. He is as his 'new' usual self not bothered bout me or our r/s. bt its gd cos it makes me hate him more... gradually i will forget tt i once was madly, deeply in love with this guy....