i dun wanna hate him.... he's been wonderful the past years!!

a week has past.... its hard to get time pass by...
yes it still hurts... to know tt all u had for the past 3+yrs is gone...
i feel so lost... cos he's so impt & dear to me... but he's gone

i think i make him look so bad in my previous post...
no matter hw he hurt me... the times we had, i will always cherish... those memories will forever remain in my mind n heart....
he was there for me most of the time.... we went thru ups & downs together
he is the one i love, trust the most n he will also be one who hurts me the most..
he used to there for me when i needed him the most n i truely, sincerely appreciate it
he mean so much to me.... everythin shatterred...
he was my dearest closest boyfriend, my bestfriend, my strenght, my comfort....
pple close to me wld know hw attached i am with him...

few days ago... he msg me out of sudden again... it was really late.. ard 1++am
told me he was having chest pain[he must hv started smoking again]... of cos i still cares.... msg n told him to tc & tts all.... but he went on to ask me "how long do u wanna be mad wif me?" good qn!! but im slowly moving towards forgiving him but it doesnt mean things gonna be same/okay... didnt ans him tt though!
later, we kept msg n he was trying to explain tt he was jus trying to get even with me. He wants me to feel how he feel when i was mad at him. but he also admit tt he went TOO far. i admit i may be a lil out of control when im mad but i think wat he did was far a diff level... Wat exactly does he wants?? Issit really worth it to put a r/s jus to get even?? How can he bear to put me in so much agony IF he loves me?? n i dun understand y/how he simply dun care?? so hard to believe his love for me still exist....

Pple ard me hv been telling me tt there's definitely more to it rather than 'jus to get even'.. I do agree but then again, i dun wish to know. maybe i wld like to know but not now.... maybe later!! Wats also so confusing is the fact tt he will tell me tt he loves me when there's no actions/follow up at all... i dun c any effort coming him to salvage anythin but then again, even so, it will all b too late for all tt...
I can c tt he is really accepting the fact tt we broke up now... cos he stop communicating wif me as i did make it clear to him tt day.... i hope his chest is okay now.... feel like msg to know hw he doing but i dun want him to know i still care... i'll be putting myself on the line if i were to do...

Been stoning these days, having time alone makes me think thru watever we had in the past.. im wonderin hw long i'll be in this state... tears fall each time im in deep thoughts...
yup, i dun regret wat happen... makes me realise i dun really need him as much as i always thought. makes me think its time i have to be dependent on my own. makes me wonder hw much a person can change in such a short time. makes me realise hw deeply, madly in love i was... makes me think so much i get really really tired....
pple say its best if u share.... doesnt works for me... i prefer not to speak.. i jus couldnt.. automatically i will be in tears jus thinking bout it...
Everyone might think im so strong to make it thru these tough times. Wat u c doesnt reflect on wat i feel internally.... i will always try my very best to appear like everythin is alright... Whoever said im a strong gal?? since when i am?? i nvr was...

move on?? how?? i dunno how... i cant simply pretend like 3++yrs never happen in my life??
i've left my "socialising world" long ago.... i dun think i wanna step in back again
future is full of uncertainity n i fear to face it...
let me be in my own world of darkness....