28th months...

Happy 28th months anniversary!
haiz.. its first day of the mth again n it marks another mth to our relationship...
this time... im sad... it aint his fault, aint mine either...
poor Ir still in jungle, getting bitten by mosquitoes, eating food rations n camoflauging... i still hadnt contacted him at all since last wed night...
it seems so long.. miss him lots! but i still msg him anyways... i cant stop thinking of him... flash backs of our moments together keep going thru my mind...
my love... my one n only... Amir Hamzah Abdul Razak...
i love u... deeply... im lovesick, i need my baby back....

The Big 'O'

today's the release of the O level results...
alot of emphasis on poly education i must say...
i hope kids get the results tt they looking for...
3 yrs ago, i was in the same spot.... waiting anxiously to receive news of my results...

BLoody.. its didnt went well....
we were all wasnt allowed to enter sch compound at all cos not in uniform n hell, our hairs are coloured! Some go extend of spraying black dye just to get in, some climbed over the gate... wahaha... tts how anxiously everybody was.... darn, i only get to enter sch after 5pm where every1 left... shitty... stupid day... sumomore got work tt day, we all worked together[mostly la.. at airport] so we all cabut work together... hahaha!
sehati sejiwa... haha

But the results was pleasing... ahhhhh ... those were the days...
my days of glory... chairman, teacher's pet, multi-talented, active.. haiz...
its the time to tell every1 tt normal academic students r not stupid!!
we all took the same exam paper wat... someone we had to struggle at sec 5 to study express topics n exam format.. its tough, but we all put in alot of effort... 6 subjects in total...
5A n 1C.... satisfied! happy....
i must admit i was proud of myself then.... nothing compared to now la....
im jus nobody...

Sunday??

sunday? sun-day?
i didnt get the sun at all!! Arghh... grrrr...

opened my eyes, i heard scream of my name, "AZIZAN!!"
darnz, my signal to wake up alrdy... nice sleep i had last nite!! Finally...
jo msg to ask help on UCCD, log-in to help but i cant seem to help cos i cant find info.!

den, argghhh.. heard my name being called again....
felt bad cos didnt help jo... sorry jo... i cant defy my mum...
but im amazed my mum's 46 on 12mar m she still hv the strenght to shout n screw me up!! most mums wld hv slowed down by now.. no energy to shout2 alrdy..haha
gosh, she's freaking irritating, she got me so so so mad
n when im mad, there goes my head.. poof... i cant control myself...
my attitude went bad, my mouth like laser
"arr.. wat do u know, u dun go to sch wat?? wat do u know bout stress?? try to go to sch, n work n do projs n housework PLUS take care of sis??"
gosh, it felt good.. for awhile... felt bad later... haiz... told her not to make me mad!! arggghh
dad another one, freaking irritating... argghhh!

today, we had visitors in the house!
zul came over to do aur-con servicing! poor guy, he was sneezing all the way cos too much dust! hehe.. 3 yrs of no service wat! den, adek n her colleague came over to sell their pdt!
n the guy was handsome[her colleague]... haha... i tot it was her guy...
turned out he knows me!! wahahaha....
he asked mum to re-cfm... hehe.. he's my pri sch fren Rafi... wahaha
i only recognise him after taking a few looks at him... haha
i felt weird, it seems tt my pri sch fren has been appearing up to me one by one ever since i entered Poly..

den we rushed down to CGH to visit abg Wan! he having op tmr...
hope he'll be fine... felt kinda weird cos every1 so quiet...
n of cos... eloquent azizan is here to help....
nice conversation i had with him.... hahaha... see at least i stir up something!!
den on the way back, bumped into Is n his gf... met him AGAIN?? jus saw him yest at TM, but this time wif gf... wahaha.... his dad had high fever, maybe visit him tmr also la...

Had supper at Eastpoint there... mum doesnt like it.. haha...
felt weird cos pple staring at me when i speak Malay n when i sit in the same table as my Fam.. weird huh?? haiz... nvm... it gets me all the time...
i understand Mandarin anyway, it doesnt matter wat they say i know wat they saying n somehow know how to respond...
maybe i'll get myself certified soon... i'll sign up for Mandarin course at Cambridge Language School... yeah i will... after Diploma la...

Ir... ir.. where r u?? i miss you so so so so much...
hope ur doing fine in camp...
Oh btw, he got into OCS!! im so proud of my baby...
Charlie [BMT]... Alpha [Sispec].. Hotel [OCS].... i wonder wats next???
oh yah his corpral rank got stripe off cos he left Sispec for OCS so now recruit again...

Crazy Loneliness

i feel lonely...
feel like im all by myself, myself is all i've got now
i sometimes wonder if there's anyone who cares tt much bout me[except for amir!]
this situation im having is putting much pressure on me esp wif his absence, i feel lost
i kinda feel i've no one to talk to
no one to share my probs
no one to cheer me up when im sad, crying by myself

i was thinking over n over again...
yes, im a loner all along... since young.. jus tt i dun realise it
i dun opened up tt much to pple, im emotionally sensitive n i bottled up feelings on my own
i guess im trying to learn to be independent...
im always taking risks... sounds weird but tt wat i am, though i dun like it, i'll still do it. Darnz!
every step i take in life, im forcing myself to learn to be independent
but i dun think i can, its too hard to act like ur strong when ur not
how can someone emotional be independent? it jus dun fit well...

friends come and go...
they hv a life on their own too!
those days where friendship r tight were long gone....
i've prepared myself to be alone over the years....
but it doesnt mean i can withstand loneliness
it doesnt mean i like being by myself all the time [though i do wanna be alone sometimes!]

hate this phrase of life! seemed meaningless.. im struggling with lots of things in mind. i hope i can make changes in life that could make me happy.
im not happy now.. n definitely lonely...
i need company... not to fill up the blanks in place for Ir, but i simply needed frens...

past few days, my mind is in a swirl...
meagre hours of sleep, constant urge to snack, pimple popping everywhere, mind is saturated.. cldnt think well, cant seem to concentrate... feel like im going senile
im getting emotionally affected too.. dunno y..
somehow felt that Ven was getting more sacrastic, Wafi keep pising me off i dunno y.. Jo's the same but felt weird cos she told them part of stories while i was kept in the dark.
Other frens r jus busy with sch or work, it seemed that i was on a different page with them or probably a different book altogether. . Diff path, diff lives... Some alrdy has a child, soem gettin married soon, some goes to same sch n courses, even my bestfren committed to work n bf all time this 4 yrs!
ITP proj draft deadline is 1 Mar 2005. UCCD Korea ppt on same day, BPT report n ppt 2 weeks later. Tests coming up soon too. Hope i can survive this tormenting moments where im not strong enough to keep myself together...
Insyallah...

Pressurized!!!

haiz... i feel so pressurized....

im graduating soon.. really soon...

i can smell freedom but i feel pressure too!

I NEED to find a job. NEED one tt pays well.

Darnz. Shit happens.

Dad gonna get retrenched soon. Mom tired of working all her life, she wants a break.

So who's next? ME!!

im suppposed to take care the house bills n stuffs. tt be $500 ++ in total

im supposed to give them some money as well

where am i gonna find such money?

how am i gonna get a JOB fast!

its not fair!! y me? y not my bro?? he starts working 1st n he's not even contributing anythin BUT im supposed to bear responsibility.

Mum keep nagging i wasted 3years in poly... waste time n money...

Now, both mum n dad joined forces AGAINST me!!! they claimed pple dun go for job post, its the job n the salary tts more impt.

[in other words, its useless for me to get tt diploma n waste 2 yrs when i cld hv gotten a job 3 yrs ago with my O lvl]

HAIZ i dunno wat to say la. FUCKED UP!!!

wat to do? this is life... everythin is wrong la...

Hack - care ??

sometimes i wonder if im a gal!
take a look at my room.. omg, i myself dunno wat to say...
i somehow feel like i dun bother at all

i dun care wat i put in my mouth
i dun care how much i spent
i dun care about my health, my fitness
i dun care about the wounds n papercuts i get
i dun care about my body, weight or face
i dun care about so much things!

WAT IS WRONG WITH ME DAMMIT???

my frens spent alot just to look good
my frens starve n trained n exercise so hard jus to look good
my frens take time to pay special attention to themselves
gals whine n whine n makes such a big deal of being imperfect n discontent...
i sometimes am guilty of tat but wats diff is tt, i dun really care i'll jus whine n complaint but no actions done, unlike those who disclipline themselves jus to reach to tt 'perfect' level

wats wrong with me? how come i dun care?? Y??
how come im unwilling to spend money on beauty pdts?
how come i cant be bothered to spent some time at the mirror?
how come im not doing anythin to get tt weight down or eat healthly or at least takes care of my skin n clear up my room?
how come i dun care about so many things im supposed to care about?
haiz... something is wrong with me....
im going crazy...

feeling so tired of this lifestyle

life hadnt been fantastic for me...
so tired of making decisions with no choices..
i wanna spent time with Amir but i have projs to be done! if i dun meet him now, wont be seeing him in 2 weeks n next time in a 1 mth!
i wanna spent time with sis but was so busy with work n sch n proj...

i feel like a zombie....
i always yearns for some entertainment!
the only thing i get is to watch tv n probably ready TODAY everyday n listens to radio.
Life is so boring now, had to do work all the time, getting SICK of this lifestyle!!
sleep, go to work, do proj, watch tv, sleep n eat in betw....
no time 4 anythin else, no time to catch up wif frens or boyfren
tired of finding time n excuses n lies jus to meet him even only for awhile, i'll take tt chance... i jus cant dun meet him when i had the chance to cos its not like everyday u had tt chance...

really, really... REALLY lookin forward to April...
this stupid cycle will end...

Relationship Problems

well.. i dun hv relationship prob rite now...
n i definitely wld not want to hv any..
jus wanna be happy wif Ir now...
i hate to admit this but its true, the distance.. in a way, keeps the relationship healthy!

I may not hv probs now but i know there r pple ard me who r having probs...
i shall not mentioned names, but i understand how they felt
the excrutiating pain, the mental torture & endless emotional rollercoaster they all go thru..
its easy to say, "its ok, forget bout him/her.. move on, smile k"
but its not!!

maybe im jus so emotional n sensitive, im a lover who loves deeply, its not easy for me to jus dun care n forget bout some1 who makes an impact in my life...
now, i kinda of miss tat feeling... haha.. tt feeling of being in pain...
its the only time where i can eat alot alot alot, indulge myself without feeling guilty n the only time to eat, eat, eat, cry,cry, cry, be quiet by myself, escape myself fm the world n sleep peacefully after a bad, hard cry!
its also the time where when u eat alot, u dun gain weight tt much cos ur thinking alot...
'the brain burns more energy than when u exercise!'

haha, im being CRAZY... but NO! i dun wanna hv probs, jus wanna be happy...
my advise to those pple in such prob, think positively!
i take it as the period where i hv a break n realise my mistkes n learn fm it, its also the time to realise wat u really want n u'lll treasure wat u hv better [be it frens, family or bf/gf]
treat it as a path in your life u hv went thru.. its a life experience.
but dun lie to yourself, dun say "im fine" when u know ur not!
show ur emotions in watever ways u can... CRY, its the best! keep a diary if u want...

Fate??

Do you believe in FATE??
well.... i do...

i was jus giving it some thoughts...
thoughts about me & Amir Hamzah
we could hv met each other long time ago but fate only bought us about 2yrs plus ago!!

Y? i dunno y either.. its ironic...
he goes to Pasir Ris sec n im in Ngee Ann sec, both sch is on the same district!!
his sec frens were my sec frens' fren... how come we dunno each other??
This is my relationship story....

i only started to kinda of know Ir starting from my bday,7 Oct 2002.. my 1st yr of Poly.
He was the first person to wish me 'happy bday' strike midnight... of all pple, a stranger or some1 i barely know... i also dun remember i gave my bday to him, he also had no idea how/when he had my bday info stored in his hp.

ok, REWIND!! i cuold hv met him earlier in 2000 where i finish my N Levels n looking for job at Swensen's Airport T2. He was working there after his O Levels but i turned down the job offer as the manager requires me to work for 6 mths, tt means i need to work part-time while im in studyin in Sec 5. I didnt take the risk for fear tt my studies will be affected.

Aft tt, in late 2001.. i kinda first know him on MIRC even b4 i entered SP. We chatted like normal, never even keep contact. When i entered SP in 2002, chatted with more SP chatters, Amir is one of them. Chat only, but i still dunno him yet. Exchange hp no n msn but never contact also, jus like other net frens. I dun hv a scanner back then, so no pix exchanged, he gave me pix that cant see his features.. can only see his body outline. Haha...
i remember how irritatin he was, he lied... we were supposed to exchange hp no. but when i gave him mine, he refused to give me he's! "haha... who ask u to trust pple on the net?? its a lesson to u not to trust pple too much!!" <--- these r his exact words i rem till NOW!!
he's irritating as well! so we both kinda heck care!

when its CCA week, i sign up for SPA [SP Adventurers] n i knew Amir's in tt CCA but i didnt care much. Even i went to the SPA clubhouse to sign-up, I wasnt aware tt the guy was my BOYFREN-TO-BE!! i dun even know it was him cos I hadnt met him at all. I wasnt tt active in SPA so i dun get a chance to know its HIM either.
its only after my bday, 7 oct 2002, we started to keep contact as 'net frens'...
dunno y, we both had NO intention to meet or keep in contact.
when i found out that my pri sch frens are in SP n there're his course mates, shit! he knows bout my pri sch background. Soon... we finally met up one night while i was studyin for exam at my hse's study corner while he n his frens[also my pri sch fren] were studying somewhere in Tamp as well!
When we first met, BOOM!!! instant chemistry....
started to contact more often, n soon became couple on 1 Nov 2002.
Amir Hamzah & Azizan aka Ir & Iza was reunited.

later, the world gets smaller as we found out there's inter-connecting relationship between us! his pri sch frens were my sec frens n so on n so on....
im wondering.. still wondering...
y do fate ONLY brought us together in late 2002 when we had the chance to meet way back in sec sch??

Lazy lazy...

Work up early today but sleep again, woke up agin at 9am but sleep again!

ahiz.. so tired, finally woke up at 11am when Jo sms me.. hahaha

too late to go for 1st lecture alrdy, haiz....

den as I get ready to go out of my hm, Jo msg me saying, YY is sick n she aint coming at all n Ven is still onn leave for her Grandpa funeral.Then Jo, also didnt go for 2nd lect cos hshe hadnt bathe at all when i called her.

WAH!! I dun feel like going already, dun wanna be in the big lecture alone, i mean no kakis!! haha... so lucky i hadnt leave my hm yet, if not, no choice hv to go 2nd lect.

I really hope someone mark/sign for my attendance today..

K, im gonna lepaks 1st den i go for tutorial at 2pm.

OUTZ!!

Yest's V-Day

yup, yest v-day... such a sweet day...
as i walk down the streets, saw lovey-dovey couples holding hands or hugging...
awwww.... den there's alot of bouquet of flowers ard...
mostly roses! some red, some pink n the bouquet wrappers r mostly purple or pink.
Sweet! i saw smiles on pple faces.. great...

my fren, Valentina receive a bouquet of tulips at work, so sweet of her bf!!
cos her bf in camp now.... very sweet...
Amir call me n told her bout it den he ask if i want one, i tell him i'll kill him if he buys them cos its so ex! Anyway, i've received alot of bouquet of roses throughout out 27mths 2gether, mostly blue roses, my fav!
He also wanted to buy me an MP3 this valentine, but i told him not to buy...
dun want him to waste money, my bro & sis says im stupid but i dun think i need it n im so afraid of losing it, im a very careless person... there's alot of things tt pple gave me n i lost or spoil them. i fear that!!

~~ Pool Terrace ~~  

strawberry dipped chocolate! wow! 

im sad n.. erm.. sulking... 

Ir doing stupid faces.. haha... to make me happy... 

on bus 72 to Hougang.... 

hmmm.. i kinda like this one... my twin...

where am i looking at? 

my fav soup: minestrone soup! yum yum 

Amir eating Pasta Al mare.... 

-- Mango Maniac -- 

this weekends....

sat was supposed to be our v-day celebration...
oklah, wasnt that romantic but im fine with it...
was supposed to dine at some place near the Merlion area, but its closed.
Tok taxi dwn to Orchard rd instead. Swensens' was fully packed.
we had dinner at Palm Cafe n jus went hm...
oh b4 tt, kinda watched a Korean movie, "Moment to rem" it was soo sweet.

He bought me choc flower bouquet while i gave him Levi's boxers..
ok, that was all... fights are still inevitable.. haiz...
i made him so angry tat night... so sori i didnt apologise n walked away.

i make it the next mornin, ask him out to go zoo... again, my cuz r not free!
haiz... he doesnt wanna go without kids along cos we've been to zoo 2gether before so this time he wanted kids to come along... weird weird...
so we didnt go zoo!
went to his house instead, fun, real fun!
Played playstation all the way!!! Danial [his bro!] was so good at the games!! Dammit. I lose all the sets played with him. nvm, he's a seasoned player, im still amateur at it.

oh b4 tt, we had lunch at Pizza Hut, my treat this time!
i really dun mind treatin him cos eating with him is simply a fun one.
when we dine, we'll spend a long time... laughing, chatting... blah blah [ he always took a long time deciding on the menu]

den i sent him off at Pasir ris where we parted for another 2 weeks.
i bought all the food he wants to eat at NTUC to bring back to camp.
hmmm costly!! n he's taking advantage of spendin my money. Naughty boy!!

i guess its the end of the 'holiday' for me.
time to get serious on projs! deadline coming real soon. 1 March 2005, i fear that date. Presentation n submission for most of my projs....

Step!! wahaha.. i can pose a 'step' face better than that if i want to! [even amir says so!]

---- 

ok... happy faces... i still cant figure out y pple ask if we're twins when we look so diff... 

im looking 4 somethin... i dunno wat/where is it.. 

hmmm.. i look fierce in this pix... i like! hehe 

anxiously waitin for my swensen's ice-cream... 

Tamp malls look so dark with 90% sotres closed. 

Dinner at Swensen's on Wed, my bro's treat!! 

He left me after breakfast.. 

Another short meeting...

well, yest its morning breakfast...
today, its jus an evening spent on a movie date n dinner.
watched 'Seoul Raider' at Century Square... hilarious, fun.. we both enjoyed it!
alot of pple at cinema today....

i mean, no offence to chinese but i dun find CNY anythin special at all...
i mean... pple arent even wearing their traditional clothes..
n not even red!! or at least a chongsam top! n arent they supposed to be visiting? i saw alot of pple roaming ard malls n shopping n dining out...
haiz... plz, y make the tradition die out??
i know pple r moving towards the future n all but i dunno, maybe im jus concerned about traditions being lost!

oh ya, today we had our own "Seoul Garden" at hm...
hmm.. oklah, its a mess that sis n I had to clear up...
but well, next time i rather go Seoul Garden n dine there... its such a hassle preparing n marinating the food at hm...

OK, so apparently, im still sleepy n he's WIDE awake..im so tired la... my eyes r so small! eeuuww... 

--Breakfast at McD-- 

oMG... Amir's so dark now!! u barely can see him in this pic.. haha!! :P 

Im late....

haiz... i was busy surfing the net for careers tt i forgot the time.
he was alrdy at Tamp[he cycled!] when he called n i hadnt bathe [opps!]...
as i was about to sneak out, Mum woke up!!
hahaha.. BUSTED!! shit... i pretended wanting to buy breakfast but she knows anyway, my acting skills worsen.. haiz... or issit my dressing tt gave way??

nvm, had to buy McD breakfast for bro n sis at Tamp Mall den had to rush hm to give them their food. Rested for awhile den go market to run errands for mum.. haiz.. tiring!! its a hot day today.. almost past out... fuhhh.. hot!

later, had to go n wash the kitchen....

Amir had gone to Marine Parade cycling, haiz.. such short time with u n ur gone again...
Had breakfast at McD n tts that.. sad... but im contented.

i find us cute, do you think so too??  

~~~ Ir & Iza ~~~ 

my mum dislikes this pix... i'll post it here before i delete them.. haha...