gosh, this is gonna be one long entry...

dad wants me to quit my job. haiz...

y am i always nt good enough for u??
haiz.... i sit n think deeply... all these years, i've been tryin to make u proud of me, been trying hard to get your attention, your love cos im always lacking of it....
i never realised i've been doing all tt all these while...
doing the best i can to please u.... but i always failed....
y cant u love me?? like u love the others?? y?? y do u always find fault in me?? y do u hv to always hurt me? jus cos i keep quiet doesnt mean im really strong n tt i do not have any feelings.. come on, im only human...
wat more shd i go to make u love n appreciate me?? plz...

reflecting back.... i've been trying to please them as far as i can. i guess i never succeeded. im never gt enough for them. :)
also realised i nvr really had made a decision on my own. i mean i did, but mostly to please them, in hope of they'll be proud of me... haiz...
i remembered, i chosed Ngee Ann sec cos u both wanted me to, it wasnt really my choice... but no doubt, its a gd school...
almost 90% of the time i so-called wasnt allowed to chose on my own.
i pushed myself to do well academically n watever way possible to make u proud... but im never good enough.
i did alot, alot, ALOT of things for your sake or mostly influenced by u... i was never appreciated...

i never get wat i wanted... never!
always wanted to learn taekwondo, take music lessons, ballet, a pair of skates, dance n lots lots more!!
had to even work part-time to earn tt extra cash or save up to get stuffs i want...
i had to force u to come to parents meetings, even if u came, ur uninterested n sleep at such functions...
u never attended in any of my prize giving presentations, be it school events or private organisations! being the top of the class/stream still wasnt gt enough!! distinctions werent gt enough?? wtf
i even had to cry before u agreed to come to my diploma graduation.
u never attended any of my dance performances.... infact, u were never supportive of it. i only rem once at kallang theatre n tts cos grandma wanted to come n u had to accompany her.. thankfully granny was a dancer too! i stop practising cos of u too cos u didnt like it, nt wanting me to be like my late uncle...
u never picked me up fm the airport each time i came back fm an overseas trip!! n lots lots more
u never asked for my opinion or cared bout my emotions. only when pple told u or talk bout it, u'll asked me. i always wanted to confide in u, telling u wat happen in my life, bout my work, my friends.... but u never bothered n wasnt interested... sob sob :(

so nw, im kinda numb.. got used to it.
no point tryin to "care" when i dun need it. y call me when i aint hm yet? i "learn" to take care of myself...
y only care bout coming hm late? upset when i forgot to call?
it feels weird cos i guess im still trying to please u... though i know i still wont be appreciated. at times, i tried to get ur attention. i always strive to stand out. well, tts wat a child always do, always wanting parents to be proud of them....
y cant u treat me like u treated them?? ur bias.... tts unfair...

lack of love... yeah tts wat i lack of.
especially now tt im single,i dun hv tt special someone to depend on too..
haiz... nvm. life's never fair... n its never perfect. i guess tts wat makes me stronger...
pple admired my patience, deterence n strength to be unaffected. who says i wasnt affected?? in fact, im a very emotional person. somehow, life's hv gt to move on... accept it n try harder... i know, one day, the both of u will appreciate me... i know...

hahaha.. was jus pouring out my feelings... but i will be ok. i know i will. i always do. my siblings n aunts knows i survived such treatments.

did my very first OT last tuesday... hehe... kinda cool!
so tts like 14hrs of shift!! kekkee
im still understudying now, but i wanted to step up to do on my own.

watched spiderman 3 jus now....
its so cool... i love the special effects...
it was emotional too... teared when Harry died.
it was an ICA event, tickets for only $4 babe!! cool offer!!
was the first time i watched movies at Engwah, suntec city...
cant wait for Private of the Carribean!!!

i still hv flashbacks of some scenes fm the movie Turista...
euuww so gruesome!! it cant seem to go away...
hahahhaa....

its someone's 23rd bday today..
well... i guess im nt allowed to have any form of communication with u.
at least, i alrdy did wish you in advance...

~~Love Zann~~